Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Six

Six.

That’s how many sleeps until our next ultrasound. Less than a week. That’s also how many sleeps until our first appointment with our midwife. Monday is a big day for us.

Thankfully, our appointment is really early (7:30) so there will be no waiting all day until the appointment. I don’t think my nerves could handle that. Also, since we have one of the first appointments we shouldn’t have to wait too long. So that’s another bonus.

I’m trying to focus on all of the positives:
-I still haven’t had any spotting
-My only cramps have been due to the fact that I haven’t had a normal poop in almost three months
-While it is waning, I’ve had nausea that has been consistent enough to keep me from losing my mind

Honestly, the only negative is that I have RPL brain that I can’t seem to turn off. Whenever I get hopeful or excited there is a little voice in my head that is convinced that it is not possible for things to go this well–that the world will not let me be this happy.

I’m just trying to focus on the positives and trying to remember that even though time passes by so slowly, it is passing and Monday will eventually be here.

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Forward Motion

For months I wrote about how I was stuck. It felt like we were in a constant state of waiting and facing a huge expanse of unknown, and I didn’t know how much longer I could handle the lack of resolution.

When we lost Tup, I was heartsick and angry, but there was also an unexpected emotion: relief. I felt free. I didn’t understand it, and it made me feel like a terrible person who obviously didn’t deserve the child she lost–like I wasn’t properly honoring him. But I’m finally starting to understand that this feeling of freedom and relief has nothing to do with my grief for Tup, it has to do with the huge weight of the unknowns that I had been carrying for months.

The truth is that my life finally has forward motion, and even if I don’t like the results, even if I hate them, I have found some resolution:

  • Hubby didn’t get the fire job. After months of anticipation and hoping, he was not chosen. It sucks, but he started a new job last week that he really enjoys, and he is content working there while he continues to add to his certifications so that he will be a better candidate next time.
  • I got into graduate school, and I was awarded a teaching assistantship that will allow us to (barely) afford it. After months of sitting on a waitlist and trying to figure out how we could possibly pay for school without the assistantship, I finally got the letter.
  • Hubby is feeling better and will not be having surgery right now. This could technically change any day because Crohn’s is a horrible and unpredictable disease, but we are now sitting on the “well” side of the unknown (which is infinitely better than the “sick” side of it).
  • We lost Tup and my RPL panel came back normal, which means we are stepping back from the TTC world for awhile. There is no timeline on this–we will start trying again when we both feel like it–so there is no pressure and no anxious waiting. No waiting until we are allowed to try again (surprisingly, we weren’t given any restrictions), no waiting to POAS, no waiting for test results, no waiting for appointments, no spending hours each day wondering if it will work this time.

I no longer have panicked moments where I worry about the fact that I have no idea what will happen in the immediate future. I no longer try to stare into the unknown and decipher some sort of answer. Sure, things could change and we still don’t know what things will look like long-term, but at least we know what the next couple of months should look like.

I miss Tup and it makes me sad to think about what could have been, but I’m also excited about the things to come. I feel like I finally have something to look forward to and get excited about. I have goals to work towards, goals that I actually have some control over–having a baby was a goal, but it wasn’t something I could work towards because I couldn’t affect the outcome of my pregnancies. Studying and working hard can get me through graduate school, and training consistently can help me finish the triathlon.

I can improve and grow. I can work towards something tangible. My life can finally move forward.

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TWW and Kindness Friday Part III

After months of missing the big O because of hubby being sick and some weirdness in my cycles, I am officially one week into the two week wait. I feel like this is our first full-hearted attempt since my last pregnancy, and as much as I make excuses about why we couldn’t really try each month, I think the truth was that I wasn’t ready. I want a baby, but I wasn’t ready for the emotional roller coaster that is TTC, and as much as I hope and pray that our next baby will be our rainbow, I have to acknowledge the very real possibility that I could have another mc and I couldn’t face that possibility. Now, I’m ready to try. I’m ready to hope. I’m ready to risk great heartache for a chance for our rainbow. I’m ready to hurry up and wait I have begrudgingly resigned myself to waiting.

Whenever we aren’t trying or I’m not currently in the TWW, I always think that it’s not that bad–I can stay calm and be patient and stick to my POAS plan. Seriously, I’m an intelligent, reasonable person, and I can conquer the TWW with grace and sanity. Then, starting just a few days after ovulation, I feel the desperate need to start peeing on all the things. No matter what I’m doing, the upcoming peestick day and everything it represents (the possibility of a baby growing in my ute, the possibility of another mc, the possibility of our lives being forever changed) is always in the back of my mind. The harder I fight it and try to stay calm, the more forcefully it drives itself into the forefront of my thoughts. It’s ridiculous.

So, in an attempt to distract myself from obsessing about the current state of my ute, I’m going to spend the next week doing things that I enjoy and will leave me feeling content and empowered. Let’s think of it as a whole week of kindness that will keep me mentally (and possibly physically?) happy and healthy. Here are some of the things I plan on doing over the weekend and during the evenings next week:

  • I would like to spend as much time as possible outside. I haven’t posted about it, but hubby and I have been busy little bees getting a garden ready for this summer. First, we built a fence to keep out the pup, then we built two raised beds, and two potato towers. We also used the extra lumber from our fence to make some small boxes for me to grow herbs. Now that it looks like we have had our last frost (I hope), I’m ready to plant some seeds and some of the seedlings that we have been growing in our house. I absolutely love the feeling of the dirt under my hands and watching the miracle of life coming from these tiny seeds. It really builds up my self esteem and also makes me feel more connected to God. Unfortunately, it is supposed to rain all weekend, but that’s ok because I have a back-up plan:
  • I’ve been spending some time lately reading blogs and watching youtube videos on how to make my own cloth pads and panty liners.  I spent my winter knitting, and now that it is summer, I am ready to start sewing again! Sewing makes me feel so calm and empowered–it’s like the whole world disappears for awhile, and there is nothing but the whir of my machine. Also, wearing something that I made is an incredible feeling! I’m planning on taking aspects that I like from different patterns and products and meshing them into a super awesome hybrid that’s just for me :o)  I know it may seem silly to make these during my TWW, but maybe I can jinx myself into pregnancy…
  • Over the past few months, I have slacked on my reading and replaced it with watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Netflix. In the past week or so, I have worked on remedying that and revisiting my “to read” list. I’ve started a pretty hefty epic fantasy series called that Malazan Book of the Fallen by Steven Erikson, and I’ve enjoyed it so far. I’ve almost finished the first book, and it feels really good to lose myself in a series again, which I haven’t really done since I finished reading the Song of Ice and Fire series by George R. R. Martin (can I mention that he needs to hurry up with the next book?). I’m also doing daily bible readings (following the OWNit365 plan), and reading different nonfiction works, like those by C. S. Lewis.
  • The last thing I want to concentrate on is spring cleaning. I’ve gotten a little bit of a head start, but there is still plenty to be done–we bought a fairly large house with the intention of filling it with children (because we are responsible and couldn’t possibly start trying before we had a place to put a baby), so there is lots to clean. Once the nice weather hits, I actually enjoy cleaning–opening all the windows and smelling the fresh air while I organize, sort, scrub, and fold.

So that’s it. My be-kind-to-myself-by-attempting-to-salvage-my-sanity-during-the-TWW plan. What do you think?

Also, here is a bonus picture of our little Molly hanging out in one of the raised beds before we filled it with dirt. She’s not so little anymore!

Our sweet little furbaby!

Our sweet little furbaby!

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Waiting

If you can’t tell from my lack of posts, I’ve been struggling with this space lately. I’ve felt a definite shift on my reader, and I’m not sure where I fit in. Most of the women I follow are now pregnant or officially moving on to some form of adoption. The ones who don’t fit into either of those categories are like me: posting sporadically and sometimes half-heartedly.

This isn’t a post against pregnant infertile bloggers. I love you all. When I read happy posts about your pregnancies–heartbeats, movement, viability, acceptance–I literally do a little happy dance. I look forward to those posts, and I pray for you all and your little ones.  I talk about you in everyday life (“My friend Belle felt her baby move the other day, I’m so excited for her” “My friend Theresa is having twins and trying to avoid buying a minivan. I totally feel her–I hate minivans” “My friend Steph just found out she’s pregnant after five miscarriages. I really hope this is her take home baby”). I’m sure people wonder how I know so many pregnant women, but that is how I think of you in my mind and my heart–as my friends that I think about and hope for and celebrate with.

I also really enjoy reading the blogs of women who are going through the foster adoption process because I am learning so much. If we end up going down that path, I have a good idea of what to expect–not just the paperwork and classes but also the emotions. I truly appreciate you all for documenting the process for the rest of us who may be there one day.

I’ve spoken before about feeling stuck, and that feeling just won’t go away. I am grateful for the healing I have had in the months since my last mc, but I feel like something has to give. Hopefully, we will start actually TTC again this month because hubby is feeling significantly better (thank goodness!!!!!), and that will give me some forward motion. The thing is, I feel like our whole life is stuck on pause. I’m working at a  job I hate until I hear back from the Masters program I applied to because it seems silly to go job hunting if I’m going to be quitting to go to school in the fall anyway. But, to be completely honest, I really don’t know if I’m going to get in or not–the program only accepts sixteen students a year with an assistantship, so it is a fairly competitive program. Hubby has applied to be a professional fire fighter in our community after he finishes fire academy, but it will probably be months before we know anything. If he does get the job, he will be making quite a bit more money–which means even if I don’t get into school, I can still possibly quit my job and work somewhere part-time. Combine all of this uncertainty with the question of whether or not we will be able to have children, and I am left feeling stuck. Even our back-up plan of foster adoption is up in the air right now (if I don’t get into school, we will go ahead with the plan, but it will be on hold if I get into school).

I’m surprisingly more comfortable with all of this than I would have ever imagined myself capable of being, and maybe the hope that is filling my heart is a testament to the growth that I have experienced during the last year and a half of TTC. Being unsure of life and where it is heading, however, leaves me at a complete loss when it comes to this place. Everyone in this community seems to be either moving forward (pregnancies, adoptions, further treatments) or fading out, and I am feeling more and more like I am in the second group because I am sitting still. Waiting. As my good friend Rose says, I am a seed. I am waiting in the dark surrounded by pressure, but I have the assurance that at some point, my life will bloom–although I have no idea when that will be or what it will look like.

I guess for now I will just keep reading and when I feel the need, I will post. I promise to update you ladies of any motion in our lives…

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Stuck

I’m feeling a little guilty about my lack of posts lately, but I promise that I’ve been here reading all of your posts and even doing quite a bit of commenting. I have a few different things to post about, but I think I’m going to divide them up into different posts so I don’t overwhelm you. I’ll probably write them all today and release them throughout the week so I can hold you captive with the suspense.

I briefly mentioned in my last post that I feel stuck right now. After my last mc, I went to see my midwife who suggested that we wait six months before TTC again, and she also offered to refer us to either a high risk OB or a RE. She also ran a bunch of blood tests which of course came back normal. It has now been three months, and I have not gone to see anyone else.

There are a lot of reasons for this. The biggest one is money.

I live in a state where all infertility testing and treatment is completely out of pocket, and hubby and I really don’t have that money to spend. We’re still paying off the bills from my first mc which cost us about $1,000 with insurance. I usually don’t tell people that we don’t have the money for a RE because inevitably, they always tell me that kids are expensive and if we are worried about money, maybe we shouldn’t be having kids anyway. Needless to say, this really upsets me. We are very careful with our money–we don’t have cable, we rarely eat out, and we go without some things that we would like to have so that we can work on paying off school loans and other debt. We have enough money for a kid. We won’t have enough money for a kid if we spend thousands of dollars on a RE. Part of me keeps saying that it could be something small, an easy fix, and then I could carry to term and we could finally have our beautiful rainbow baby. But I am quickly losing my faith in small, easy fixes. IF and loss treatments can accelerate so quickly, and I honestly don’t know how far we would be willing to go once we get caught up in the rush of tests and treatments–I don’t know if I am willing to open that can of worms. We already have student loans and a mortgage, and we really can’t afford to acquire any more debt right now. Especially when we have no idea if we will get a baby in the end.

So we’re stuck. We just can’t move in that direction right now. Maybe in a few years after we pay off a few things and get better paying jobs. You know, when I’m thirty and my chances of getting pregnant start rapidly decreasing. Which is so fucking unfair. I just want to scream and cuss and curl up in a ball and cry at the injustice of it.

So hubby and I have decided to try one more time with just the progesterone supplements. We have talked about it over and over again and we always end up in this same place: trying one more time without seeing a specialist. After that, we are moving to plan B. (Actually, I think it’s plan G. Plan A was getting pregnant immediately without any problems. Plan B was getting pregnant by charting. Plan C was having a healthy first pregnancy. Plan D was having a healthy second pregnancy. Plan E was having a healthy third pregnancy. This would be plan F, but that makes it sound too hopeless.) Also, that whole six month wait thing isn’t happening. We are waiting three cycles, then jumping back in the game. That sounds reasonable to me, and that means we’ll be trying again in a few weeks.

Are we crazy for attempting this again without seeing an RE? Please say no. Lie to me. Also, does anyone else have problems with people saying that you can’t afford children if you can’t afford testing and treatment? Does that piss you off beyond all reason?

Stay tuned: more on hubby, sexy time, and Plan G later this week.

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Worrying about my lack of worry

Over the past two weeks or so I’ve noticed something about myself. The obsessing, the worrying, the despair is missing. When I think about TTC, I don’t freak out. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to create, carry, and birth a child, and if I will, I have no idea when that will be. It will be months before we will even start TTC again. As you have seen in previous posts, this fact usually throws me into counting fits where I calculate the soonest we could have a baby. How old will I be then? What are my life plans then? How old will BFF’s son be? (I try not to compare, but she was three months preggo when we started TTC and it gives me a point of reference, albeit an unhealthy one). Usually, when I think about our journey thus far and what all the future could possibly hold for us (tests, procedures, more mc’s, no baby), I am a quivering ball of anxiety and panic who can’t function on a normal level due to the crippling worry and fear. But that hasn’t been the case the past two weeks or so.

I noticed this change last Thursday. That was the day we were supposed to go hear the heartbeat, and of course, we didn’t. And I was so calm and zen about it. If I could use one word to described how I’ve felt, it would be content. I have a wonderful husband and life and maybe babies just aren’t in the cards for us right now. Waiting could even be a really good thing because that might give hubby the opportunity to find a full time fire job, allowing me to stay home. Molly will have the chance to grow up a little, meaning I won’t have to chase the most hyper puppy in existence whilst pregnant. We can pay off a few things and add a little cushion in our savings. I am calm and rational and ok with where we are in life right now, and to tell you the honest truth, it is freaking. me. out.

It all started with a pretty intense prayer session with some close friends two weeks ago. I know some of you aren’t religious, and it’s ok if you are rolling your eyes at me right now. My most ardent request during this prayer session was that I would stop asking why and stop trying to understand and just trust that God is in control. That I could accept what happens and live my life with joy. That I could release my fear. And here’s the thing: I’ve stopped asking why and trying to understand. I have accepted that I am not in control, and I am so happy and appreciative of what I have. I’m not afraid. And this is all so foreign to me.

I am honestly starting to worry about not worrying. Is this a sign of healthy healing and acceptance or am I suppressing all of my problems in an unhealthy way? I know lots of women in this community hit a point where they wonder if they even want children anymore, and I wouldn’t say that is where I am. I am just ok with the fact that I can’t have any right now–at least I am today. However, I feel a little like I am waiting for full blown panic. Maybe it isn’t coming and this is the new normal. That would be nice. Once I get used to it. I’m not really sure what to do with myself when I’m not worrying all the time. And I feel like I’m a bad IF/loss blogger if I’m not obsessing about TTC right now.

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All over the Place

I feel like my posts are all over the place lately. I guess that’s fitting because I’ve been pretty all over the place lately. I’ve got so many emotions running around inside me right now, I’m really surprised I can create something that even resembles a coherent thought. It amazes me how comforting it can be to just sit down and throw up all of my feelings on this blog. I keep going from being so devastated I wonder how I can even function, to being sunshine and rainbows and sure that everything is going to be fine, to being really pissed off and not really so pleasant to be around. You get the picture: yet another mc + raging hormones = Danielle is a mess. I will admit that I’m doing a whole lot better than I thought I would, and I contribute that to the support I have.

I’ve already told you all about how wonderfully supportive my hubby is, but I really can’t emphasize that enough. He always seems to give me exactly what I need when I need it without me having to ask for it. I usually contribute this to the fact that we were long distance for almost the entire five years we dated, so we are really good at the communication thing because our only contact for the majority of those fives years was talking on the phone. I know that fertility issues and loss can really take its toll on relationships, and I am soooo thankful that this is only bringing hubby and I closer.

Another blessing? My sister, S. S and I didn’t always get along. We basically hated each other for most of our childhood, but over the past few years, we have grown super close. After I found out I was pregnant and I was pretty much freaking out, hubby suggested that I call my sister, and I’m glad I did. Since hubby and I got married, S has been asking me when she gets to be an Auntie. And not in an obnoxious, I’m putting-so-much-pressure-on-you sort of way. So she has been very supportive and loving, and the only thing that I regret about calling her for support is that I know her heart breaks with ours.

I also had no idea how much the supportive posts (and an email from a special blogger) would impact me. It has encouraged me more than I can say. Thank you all for being so loving and kind towards me. It means the world.

 

*                              *                              *

 

So keeping in my apparent theme of being all over the place, let me tell you about my appointment yesterday:

It was fairly short and uneventful (in a good way), and the midwife we talked to, Laura, was very sweet and a great listener. She had them draw blood to check my hCG and my antibodies because I’m A-. She originally wanted to give me rhoGAM, but I told her that hubby is also A- and there is no possible way that the baby has a different father. After I told her that, she agreed that I wouldn’t need it but said that she would like to check my antibodies just to legally protect the birth center. I’m ok with that. She was also going to run more tests to check my thyroid, my clotting, and other stuff, but I had all of those tests run in June and they all came back normal, so we didn’t run any of them again. She also told me that she is willing to refer me to either an RE or a high risk OB, but we have plenty of time to decide because she said that we should wait six months before we start TTC again.

Six months. Six months is a long time. In six months, we will pass two of my due dates and the year and a half mark of TTC. If we wait six months, the very earliest we could have a baby is December of next year. This means there is a very good chance that I won’t have a baby until 2014. There’s also a good chance I won’t have a baby before the year anniversary of two of my due dates. I probably won’t have a baby until I’m 26, which is a little daunting considering I’m 24 right now. In my heart, I know that we need to wait–that it will be good for me both physically and emotionally, and I was already planning on waiting at least three months, but damn that is a long time.

What is the longest break you have taken from TTC? Have you seen an RE or a high risk OB? Who was the biggest source of support on your journey?

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What now?

Hubby and I had a talk yesterday, and I told him that I needed to know how he felt about all of this. He said that he knows this journey has been very stressful and painful for me and that makes him want to stop TTC, but he still really wants a baby. So we are in the same place. We both really want a baby, but we can’t handle the stress and pain of TTC right now, and we are going to take some time off for awhile.

I’ve not really told you much about hubby. Hubby and I have been together for over seven years, and he is my very best friend. He is so kind and considerate, and he is the funniest person I know. Hubby grew up in a very close, loving family, and he has always wanted babies. Some of you may remember how I have written that having children was never my life’s dream and wanting to have a baby kind of hit me out of nowhere, but I feel like you should know that it has always been hubby’s dream. He wants this just as much, if not more, than I do.

Yesterday hubby said something that brought back the hope. He starts fire academy on Tuesday and will be done at the end of March. After he is done, he will be a state certified fire fighter, and he hopes to get a full time job with a fire department. This means he will be making more than we make combined right now and he will be working 24 hour shifts with a 48 hour break in between them. The original plan was that I would be able to quit my job and stay home after I had the baby, and he would be home enough that we could raise our baby together. But we no longer have that baby. Back to the hope: last night hubby said that if we don’t have a viable pregnancy before he starts a full time fire job, we can start the adoption process. We aren’t going to give up on having our own biological child, but we are going to start taking the steps needed have a baby–even if it isn’t genetically linked to us.

This might seem like a huge step that came out of nowhere, but I’ve actually said from the beginning of TTC that I like the idea of adoption, and even if we can have our own biological children, I would consider adoption. We are going for a mc follow-up appointment with my midwife this afternoon, and I have a sickening feeling that we are about to enter into a world of expensive tests and procedures that aren’t covered by insurance and won’t guarantee us a child. As much as I long to carry our child for nine months and give birth to a tiny human who is part hubby and part me, I would rather put all of that money towards saving a child’s life and know for certain that the time and emotional energy that I am investing will lead to me being a mother. We are considering international adoption which can take up to three years, so if this is the route we have to take, we want to start the process as soon as possible.

I know that adoption is a big deal. It is expensive and emotional and long and not an easy undertaking. We’ll cross that bridge when/if we get there. Nothing is set in stone right now, but I feel a lot better knowing that hubby and I are on the same page, and we have a plan. We will be parents. And if we get halfway through the adoption process and I actually get pregnant with a sticky baby? Then my heart might just explode because I will be so happy that we will get two children.

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Test Results

I knew that I was being guarded and that I was afraid to get excited or get attached to this pregnancy, but I don’t think I realized the extent of it until yesterday. Yesterday I went in for my second blood draw so we could see if my hCG levels are doubling like they are supposed to, and after she was done, Susan (the lab tech) told me my results were in from my last blood draw and asked me if I wanted to hear them. Part of me didn’t want to know because part of me was sure that the test would say that I’ve made a  mistake and I’m not really pregnant or  that I’ve had another cp and that my third pregnancy was already over. But I braced myself and asked her for my numbers. I was 15 or 16 dpo on Monday and my progesterone was 20 and my hCG was 259. Those are really good numbers! I walked out of the center in a daze, and once I got to my car, I sat in there and sobbed for about 20 minutes. Seriously, I was all snotty and hysterical and laughing while I was crying. I just couldn’t believe that they actually had good news for me, and I was just so filled with joy at the thought that I am actually pregnant and we might actually have a baby! It wasn’t until I felt all of this joy and relief that I realized just how much I was holding back. I know we still have a long road ahead of us and stuff can still go wrong, but I have already made it further in this pregnancy than I did in my first two and I can’t help being very excited about that!

On a side note, do not call your husband when you are joyfully sobbing in your car in the parking lot of the birth center because you will not be able to convey to him that you are crying because you are happy and healthy and you will cause him to panic. Speaking from experience here.

Now I’m just waiting for the results from my test yesterday, and I am hoping that I get them today because the center is closed on Fridays and they will be closed Monday too because it is a holiday. So if I don’t get my results today, I have to wait until Tuesday, which will be really hard–especially since I am going to the beach this weekend. I just don’t want that hanging over me while I’m on vacation… I’ll let you all know whenever I know!

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When an infertility/loss blog becomes a pregnancy blog

I want to start by saying that I’m not entirely sure what to do with my blog right now. I know many women and couples start a blog when they start TTC  intending for it to be a pregnancy blog, and it unfortunately becomes a infertility or loss blog. When they finally get pregnant, the transition into pregnancy blog is fairly smooth because that was the original purpose of the blog. I started this blog to help me deal with my fertility issues and losses, not knowing how much more we would have to endure before we would get pregnant. I wanted a way to connect with other women who have stories similar to mine and enter into a supportive community, and I feel like I have started to do that. Having said that, I honestly got that second line a whole lot earlier than I thought I would, which of course is wonderful, but I guess I’m not sure where I stand now in the community I was just starting to become familiar with. It would not surprise me if many of the women who visited my blog in the last two months stop reading because it is too painful to read updates on my pregnancy, and I totally understand because I would do the same thing if I were in that situation. I guess I’m mostly afraid that I will lose this community that I am so new to, and I won’t have their support if something happens and I lose this pregnancy. Not that they would abandon me and not support me, but that they wouldn’t know about it because they are avoiding me like the plague because I’m pregnant. I know that sounds ridiculous and I’m over thinking everything (a common habit of mine), but it’s how I feel. I want to feel free to write about my pregnancy and the joys/fears that go along with it, but I’m hesitant because I really don’t want my blog to cause any sadness or pain to women who follow this blog and are struggling with fertility. So if you are one of these women and you choose not to read this blog anymore, I completely understand, and I will continue to follow your story and cheer for you.

Now that I’ve gotten that long, convoluted disclaimer out of the way, I can write about my appointment yesterday.

First, I am sooo excited that I have actually gone to my first prenatal appointment! That’s right, despite this being my third pregnancy, yesterday was my first prenatal appointment. I was planning on insisting that they check my progesterone and take a quantitative hCG test, but Jill told me right off the bat that she would run both of those tests without me even having to ask. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I truly love the midwives at the birth and women’s center in our town. She told me that my EDD (estimated due date) is May 4 according to my DOC (date of conception)–we aren’t using the first day of my last menstrual flow because I didn’t ovulate until day 25. We also scheduled a dating ultrasound for Sept 27 (8wks) to make sure that May 4 is  a good estimate, and I’m so excited/nervous about it because we should be able to hear the heartbeat by then! Whew, one step at a time. First, I have to go back on Wednesday for another blood draw so they can compare my numbers and make sure my hCG is doubling like it is supposed to. Hopefully I will have good news about a viable pregnancy on Thursday! Apparently, pregnancy is just as much of a waiting game as TTC. I’ve been trying so hard to stay calm and not get my hopes up, but I have to admit, despite all of this worry, that I am starting to get really excited. I just hope and pray that this little baby sticks.

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Bit of Earth Farm

Raising plants and animals in simple partnership with nature.

Laura Grace Weldon

Free Range Learning, Creative Living, Gentle Encouragement, Big Questions, Poetry, Occasional Drollery

A Woman Like That

...I have been her kind.

Our Egg, Her Nest?

My journey to Motherhood through gestational surrogacy

Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm...

Stepping Stones

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm...

Sabine Daily

This WordPress.com site is the bee's knees

My Perfect Breakdown

-- Surviving. Living. Hoping. -- Recurrent Pregnancy Loss & Adoption

THE RIVER WALK

Daily Thoughts and Meditations as we journey together with our Lord.

Recurrently Lost

My honest account of life with recurrent pregnancy loss

Caring for Crohn's & UC

Caring for a loved one with Crohn's Disease & Ulcerative Colitis

my german life:

an american girl in hamburg

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm...

Stories of a Son

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm...

Eighteenyears's Blog

Just another WordPress.com site

IBDaily

The tales of a girl with unruly guts.

SocialJerk

Because writing about social work can be funny, too! (Sorry Precious)

No Air Radio

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm...

Growing Globe

"I am a pal of the world: I came from the wilderness." - Carl Sandburg

lamenting the lentil

unexplained infertility, twin pregnancy, and me

tales from the waiting room

Just another IF blog

The Moon on a Stick

Infertility and all that jazz.

The Stolen Colon | Living beautifully with an ostomy

Stephanie Hughes | This blog is my way of connecting with the world about living with an ostomy and Crohn's disease.