Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Ultrasound Day

Well, I made it to ultrasound day. Honestly, I’m having a really hard time wrapping my head around that fact. Today I am 6wk6d pregnant, and I miscarried on 5w1d with my longest pregnancy so even making it to ultrasound day feels like a miracle.

I still have light, brown spotting, but there has been no cramping and I haven’t seen any red since that scary morning last week. I’m guessing that means either this pregnancy is perfectly normal, and I’m just one of those women who spot in first trimester, or this pregnancy has been doomed from the start and is only being sustained by my progesterone supplements. Either way, we’ll find out today.

I have been going back and forth between being so excited I can’t stand it and playing out worse-case-scenarios in my head. Yesterday the excitement was much stronger, but I would say that today is 50/50.

I’m spending my morning trying to stay busy and praying that we see a baby in the correct place, measuring on time, with a strong heartbeat. Some benign explanation for the spotting would be nice, too, but I’m not greedy.

I would appreciate extra prayers, good vibes, and thoughts around 3:45 EST. Four and a half more hours.

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Stepping back…

…from the crazy ledge.

First, I want to say thank you to all of you wonderful, wonderful bloggers who left such kind and supportive comments on my last post. I can’t even tell you how much your words and prayers mean to me. I am doing much better now, and I attribute most of it to the support and prayers I’ve received.

I’ll start with hubby. Hubby’s fever had disappeared by the time he got to his appointment, and it has not reared its ugly head again, thank goodness. Dr. GI is still trying his best to get hubby’s pain under control without surgery because people with Crohn’s tend to have surgical complications (like adhesions) that lead to more surgeries, and once you start cutting, you may never go back. Hubby’s inflammation levels were back up at his appointment which means that the pain could be from inflammation instead of scarring (which is good–scarring means surgery), and since Dr. GI really doesn’t want hubby to go back on steroids, he prescribed an immunosuppressant drug to go with his Hum.ira. The idea is that the two drugs in combination can kick his Crohn’s into remission and then we can discuss a maintenance drug (possibly sticking with Hum.ira, we’ll see). Hubby seems to be doing a little better, which is normal because his pain has been pretty inconsistant lately. I’m just glad that the fever is gone and he isn’t going to have surgery. Yet. And I’m hoping that this new drug combo will help him.

After yesterday morning’s scary spotting episode, I have not seen anymore red. The spotting turned brown and tapered off through the day and has been negligible today (maybe four or five light brown drops), and my pregnancy symptoms are still present, so I’m going to continue on as pregnant until proven otherwise. We will know more on May 23rd when we have our ultrasound. Eight more sleeps. I can do this.

After hubby’s appointment yesterday, he picked me up at work to take me to lunch and I just sat and cried in his car for awhile. I think it was good for me–I haven’t let go like that yet during this pregnancy, and it was very cleansing to release some of that fear and anxiety. Note to self: crying can be a good thing–don’t fight it.

Continued prayers are appreciated. They have really encouraged me.

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Things Fall Apart

Today is not a good day.

I’ll start with hubby. Things are not going well with hubby. Dr. GI weaned him off the steroids because it is extremely unhealthy to be on steroids long term, and he has been getting consistently worse since then. Yesterday, he had a fever (100.5 after drinking water), which is a huge red flag for someone with Crohn’s because it could suggest an abscess or an infection. Also, hubby is on Hum.ira, so if the fever is some sort of virus and not related to his Crohn’s, it’s still a big deal. He’s going to see Dr. GI today (actually, he should be in his appointment right now and I’m stuck at work), and I’m really not seeing a good, nonsurgical outcome to this.

In pregnancy land, I’ve been spotting. I’ve tried not to get too worried about it because it was very light, it was brown, there was no cramping, lots of women spot and then have normal pregnancies, blah, blah, blah. This morning, I woke up and felt good about it because of all of the aforementioned reasons and the fact that it had almost stopped completely when I went to bed last night. Then I went pee and wiped only to see bright red. It’s been brown ever since that moment but my positive, trusting attitude is diminishing at a rapid rate, and I’m starting to believe that my body is failing me once again. Please don’t tell me about your mother’s cousin’s best friend who had spotting and everything turned out fine. I know those stories. I also know that I’ve had three early miscarriages and every one of them started like this. I feel like I need to ask for more prayer, but I can’t even bring myself to do it right now.

About a week ago I was talking to hubby about all of the unknowns in our life, and he said something along the lines of “Just watch, everything good is going to happen at once. We’ll see the heartbeat, I’ll get a call saying I got the fire job, and you’ll find out you got the assistantship all around the same time. It will be so awesome we won’t even know what to do.” Instead it looks like things might just all fall apart at the same time. But let’s be honest here, that’s my life.

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Fear vs. Hope

Infertiles deal with a lot of fear. During my journey, I’ve been afraid that I wouldn’t get pregnant, afraid that I would miscarry, afraid that I would miscarry again, afraid that we would never have children, afraid that I wouldn’t be able to function after multiple mc’s, afraid of BFN’s, afraid of BFP’s, afraid that my friends would move on without me, afraid that there is something seriously wrong with me, afraid that hubby will give up on me, etc. Fear is just a huge part of this whole process, and it is something I have been struggling with a lot. There is one big fear that has been consuming me for months.

I’m terrified of hope.

Terrified.

I’ve been apathetic and disconnected. I’ve used reason and stuck to the facts, writing lists and making back-up plans. I’ve mentally beaten down any symptom spotting. I hesitantly post about our plans, thinking they sound too naive and unrealistic, but they are met with so much enthusiasm. I get comments full of smiley faces and exclamation marks, and it reminds me of how far I have fallen from hope. I am so grateful to have this community to be hopeful for me because I seem to be incapable of it right now. It’s like I’ve been in the darkness too long and can’t stand to be in the light because it is so painful.

But at some point, I have to let myself hope again.

I have a beautiful friend who always seems to understand my heart, and she told me a few months ago that I have to stop prophesying disaster over myself. She’s right. This is no way to live. The question is, how do you move away from the fear and allow hope back into your heart? Are there maybe some magic sunglasses that make the transition from the cave into the light a little easier?

I noticed yesterday that I was spotting. I’m pretty sure yesterday was 9 DPO, and I have only had mid-cycle spotting three times before. Two of those times, I was pregnant. Ever since I saw it, I’ve been using all of my mental and emotional energy trying to suppress hope, and it is exhausting. Would it be too much to hope that this is our month? Would it be too much to see the spotting as a good sign of implantation? Would it be too much to pray that we get a BFP and our take home baby? Would it be too much to hope that this year will be different–full of joy instead of pain?

Thanks you for leaving encouraging and enthusiastic comments–they help more than you know. I hope I can feel that same enthusiasm soon.

 

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Being Sickly, and Writing Prompts

Hello ladies! Sorry to be MIA for a few days–I really haven’t felt that great. I’ve been dealing with allergy/sinus gunk which leads to headaches, back tension, general miserableness. I actually stayed home from work yesterday because I had a migraine and felt achy. Today is, thankfully, better, but I still feel like I’m on the edge of being sick–like letting myself get a little dehydrated or something will push me over the edge into another migraine. Bleh. Oh well. Also, I’m a little freaked out because I’ve been spotting for a few days. The only time I can ever remember spotting midcycle, I was pregnant, and I’m fairly certain that is not the case this cycle because we have been actively preventing pregnancy. I know your cycles and stuff can be completely different once you have a pregnancy or miscarriage, but it’s weird to have my body behaving differently than it normally does. Any other RPLers out there that have had something like this happen? It would be nice to know I’m not the only one whose body does weird things after having a few mc’s, and to be honest, I just don’t have the emotional strength right now to Google it.

I was going to use this post to get completely caught up on the writing prompts, but I think I will answer three today and three tomorrow. You know, spread the love over two days:

 

October 20: Tell us a little something about your grandmother.
My grandmother was an amazing woman. She died when I was a senior in college, and I still miss her like crazy. She loved to cook and sew–one of my most prized possessions is a quilt she made for me when I started college. She always cried when we left her house after we visited. When I was younger, I thought it was silly and embarrassing, and when I was older I pretty much ignored it because I was so used to it. Now I miss it.

 
October 21: Are you satisfied with your sex life? Would you like more, less, or is it just right?
I would have to say that I’m pretty satisfied with the sex that we are having, but I wish we would have sex more. We always seem to be super busy, so are we are both exhausted all the time, which makes it hard to muster up the energy for a good tumble.

 
October 22: Favorite sexual position?
I feel like this is a good time to tell you ladies that I blush very easily. I don’t have a problem talking about sex or other taboo topics, but I will turn very red sometimes. I just thought you should know that I started blushing as I thought about what I should put down as my answer ;o) I’d have to say that I really enjoy being on top, because that is the position where it is the easiest for me to have a orgasm, but I really like it when hubby goes down on me, which he is usually eager to do because he knows I like it.

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