Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

TTC Pregnancy #4–Cycle #1

If you think this post seems terribly apathetic, that’s because it is. That’s where I am right now. Bear with me, I’m hoping it will pass soon…

For the first time since August, I am officially in the two week wait. I wrote awhile back about how I felt stuck, and you would think that starting TTC again would help me feel like I’m achieving some forward motion. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I had a rough New Years. I have a very vivid memory of going on vacation with my very pregnant friend and our husbands on New Years last year. I remember crying to my husband because I wasn’t pregnant yet. Sure, we had only been trying for 4-5 months, but I had this gut feeling that something was wrong and we would never have a baby. It’s been a year since that moment, and we are essentially in the same place. So TTC may seem like progress, but we started TTC well over a year ago,  I’ve been pregnant three times, and the end result is that we’re in the same place we were last year.  You could even say that we’ve backtracked a little because now we have  more heartache and less hope. I’m fairly certain I won’t feel like we are moving forward until I am solidly into a viable pregnancy or we move on and start the paperwork and classes for the foster adoption plan–Plan H (seriously, there are only so many letters in the alphabet).

I’m not really holding my breath for this cycle because hubby and I haven’t been particularly diligent in our baby-making efforts. The timing wasn’t perfect–we had sex around the general time of ovulation, but we might have missed the exact window. Hubby hasn’t been feeling well (he’s going to the doctor tomorrow to figure out what could be up with his stomach), and I have stayed true to my promise of not pressuring him when he doesn’t want to. I didn’t even tell him when I was ovulating because I didn’t want to upset him or stress him out by making him think that he has to have sex with me. So we are basically only having sex when we feel like it and I’ve been watching for ovulation and hoping that he feels like it at the right time. It’s not really the perfect recipe for baby-making, but at this point, our relationship and hubby’s emotional health is much more important to me.

Even though I make it sound like I was tricking hubby by not telling him when I was ovulating, he is fully up to date and well aware that I am in the TWW. He also knows the official POAS date: Friday the 12th. I’ve been taking my progesterone in the evenings and I have enough to make it until Thursday before I need to refill it which is perfect because I think Friday is 14 DPO. So I’ll take a HPT on Friday morning, and if it is positive, I’ll refill my prescription that day. Then I will follow the “BFP Plan” that I have comprised over the past four months since my last mc. I’m planing on posting about it in detail tomorrow, so be sure to check back in, because you know you are on the edge of your seats.

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Hubby and Sexy Time

Alright ladies, it is time for my much overdue post updating you all on hubby and sexy time. I hope it’s worth your wait ;o)

The first few days after hubby opened up about how much our losses have affected him were a little awkward. I’ve posted before that the one thing hubby and I tend to be really good at is communication because we spent almost five years in a long distance relationship before we got married where we talked all the time on the phone or on Skype, so this awkwardness was fairly new territory for us. After hubby confessed how much he has been hurt by this journey, I tried very hard not to freak out and show just how distraught this made me because I was afraid he would stop talking to me about it after seeing how much it would upset me, but I also wanted to foster conversation and make sure that this new openness would stay. Needless to say, we had quite a few conversations after that where we were both very wary–he was fearing a wifey meltdown and I was fearing another hubby shutdown. That being said, things have gotten much better and our journey through IF and loss has finally become a regular two-way conversation. I remember the exact moment when I knew that we had crossed a very large bridge: I have no recollection of how we got on the subject, but hubby cracked a joke about how he is sure that fertile men have small penises and that must be his problem–his penis is too big. I almost died laughing and told him that he’s starting to sound like a bitter infertile and he said “Oh, you have no idea just how bitter.” This was really the first time that we have freely talked and joked about all of this while still acknowledging our feelings about it. I can say with complete honesty that I have had more healing from this shift in our conversations and our relationship than from anything else.

Sexy time has been a slower road. After hubby told me why he was avoiding sex, I removed all pressure and didn’t bring it up again–leaving it up to him to make the first move. He did eventually make that move, and we have slowly shifted from having sex maybe once a month with me being the only initiator to having sex a few times a month with fairly equal initiation. It is serious progress. I’m still hesitant about making the first move, and I immediately back off at the first sign of disinterest, but we have definitely come a long way. I do have a confession to make, though. Sexy time is difficult enough for us right now without the added stress and annoyance of condoms, so we have been contraceptive free this cycle. So six months of prevention turned into three months of prevention and then turned into two months of prevention and one months of NTNP. Honestly, I think the preventative measures were making the sexy time problems even worse, and I truly hope we don’t have to go back to them any time soon. Do I secretly hope that I “accidentally” got pregnant this month? You betcha. Do I secretly hope that I didn’t get pregnant this cycle because it would be so stressful and with my track record I would be mourning another loss at Christmas? Yeah, that too.

We still plan on going to counseling, but it just hasn’t happened yet. Between hubby having fire academy until 10pm twice a week and training another night of the week, me frantically studying for the GRE that I am taking next Thursday, a Christmas party every week until Christmas, hubby’s fire department being in three different Christmas parades, and us taking the time to make our usual batches of fudge for Christmas presents, we haven’t had a lot of free time. As soon as the new year starts, we will go talk to a counselor about all of this. I promise.

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How many times can my heart break before it can’t be pieced back together?

I have been getting better. I really have. I’ve been dealing with things in what I consider to be a healthy way, and I’ve seen progress. At least I’m not collapsing on the floor in tears anymore or taking multiple showers a day (when I’m really upset, I take a shower). I’m not sleeping great, but I like to attribute that to living in the allergy capital of the country. I’m dealing and moving on and not constantly thinking about babies or my inability to grow them. I’m getting better.

Or at least, I was.

This is really hard for me to talk about, but I’m going to channel Belle from Scrambled Eggs who really inspires me with her openness. Lately she has written quite a few posts and prefaced them with a paragraph about how hard they are to write, but she always comes back saying how glad she is that she opened up. And, honestly, who else am I going to talk to about this? So here goes nothing: hubby and I have had a problem. A sexy problem. I’ve noticed a major decline in how often we have sex. Not only that, I’ve noticed that I am the only one who initiates it, and nine times out of ten, hubby politely declines my come ons. I’ve talked to him about it a few times, but he always says that he is very tired from working full time and doing fire academy or he isn’t feeling well or some other excuse and I always feel like he is avoiding telling me something. This has been going on for a couple of months, and it has taken a major toll on my self esteem. I miss the emotional connection that comes from sex, so I started getting braver and putting myself out there a lot more, but this extra effort didn’t work which left me feeling even worse because I was trying so hard to seduce my husband and getting rejected. I was starting to wonder if he still found me sexually attractive or if my *ahem* performance left something to be desired because, let’s be honest, what guy turns down head every time? So last night when we went to bed I asked him, again, what’s going on, and I wasn’t stopping until I got the truth. And I got it. And it broke my heart. Here is the general idea of the conversation, after much back and forth:

Hubby: I just haven’t really been in the mood lately.

Me: Why?

Hubby: I didn’t want to talk to you about it because I knew it would upset you.

Me: Well, I’m already upset and now you have to tell because I know something is wrong.

Hubby: Well, I just haven’t been in the mood because I’ve been sad.

Me: What do you mean? Why?

Hubby: Because everyone is having babies.

***Very long pause***

Me: You don’t want to have sex with me because you’re upset about the fact that we can’t have a baby right now?

Hubby: Yeah. I try, but whenever we start to get in the mood, I think about babies and I don’t want to do it anymore. I didn’t want to tell you because I knew it would upset you and it’s my job to take care of you and help you not be upset.

So many bloggers have said that their breaking point was seeing their fertility issues upsetting their hubbies, and now I understand. I hate this so much. And I have no idea how to handle it. I can just feel my heart breaking over and over again. I keep going back and forth between feeling completely devastated and feeling numb. Tears keep brimming every few minutes at work, and I can’t really think about anything else. Yesterday (before this monumental conversation), I shredded some cheese for hubby’s chili when we discovered that we only had block cheese and he said, “What would I do without you little wifey?” and I think I said, “Well, you would be cheeseless, wouldn’t you?” but what I was thinking was, “You would probably have a baby.” I didn’t realize at the moment just how spot on I was. I know it’s not fair to beat myself up like this, but I am feeling so lost. I don’t know how to even begin dealing with this.

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