Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

TWW and Kindness Friday Part III

After months of missing the big O because of hubby being sick and some weirdness in my cycles, I am officially one week into the two week wait. I feel like this is our first full-hearted attempt since my last pregnancy, and as much as I make excuses about why we couldn’t really try each month, I think the truth was that I wasn’t ready. I want a baby, but I wasn’t ready for the emotional roller coaster that is TTC, and as much as I hope and pray that our next baby will be our rainbow, I have to acknowledge the very real possibility that I could have another mc and I couldn’t face that possibility. Now, I’m ready to try. I’m ready to hope. I’m ready to risk great heartache for a chance for our rainbow. I’m ready to hurry up and wait I have begrudgingly resigned myself to waiting.

Whenever we aren’t trying or I’m not currently in the TWW, I always think that it’s not that bad–I can stay calm and be patient and stick to my POAS plan. Seriously, I’m an intelligent, reasonable person, and I can conquer the TWW with grace and sanity. Then, starting just a few days after ovulation, I feel the desperate need to start peeing on all the things. No matter what I’m doing, the upcoming peestick day and everything it represents (the possibility of a baby growing in my ute, the possibility of another mc, the possibility of our lives being forever changed) is always in the back of my mind. The harder I fight it and try to stay calm, the more forcefully it drives itself into the forefront of my thoughts. It’s ridiculous.

So, in an attempt to distract myself from obsessing about the current state of my ute, I’m going to spend the next week doing things that I enjoy and will leave me feeling content and empowered. Let’s think of it as a whole week of kindness that will keep me mentally (and possibly physically?) happy and healthy. Here are some of the things I plan on doing over the weekend and during the evenings next week:

  • I would like to spend as much time as possible outside. I haven’t posted about it, but hubby and I have been busy little bees getting a garden ready for this summer. First, we built a fence to keep out the pup, then we built two raised beds, and two potato towers. We also used the extra lumber from our fence to make some small boxes for me to grow herbs. Now that it looks like we have had our last frost (I hope), I’m ready to plant some seeds and some of the seedlings that we have been growing in our house. I absolutely love the feeling of the dirt under my hands and watching the miracle of life coming from these tiny seeds. It really builds up my self esteem and also makes me feel more connected to God. Unfortunately, it is supposed to rain all weekend, but that’s ok because I have a back-up plan:
  • I’ve been spending some time lately reading blogs and watching youtube videos on how to make my own cloth pads and panty liners.  I spent my winter knitting, and now that it is summer, I am ready to start sewing again! Sewing makes me feel so calm and empowered–it’s like the whole world disappears for awhile, and there is nothing but the whir of my machine. Also, wearing something that I made is an incredible feeling! I’m planning on taking aspects that I like from different patterns and products and meshing them into a super awesome hybrid that’s just for me :o)  I know it may seem silly to make these during my TWW, but maybe I can jinx myself into pregnancy…
  • Over the past few months, I have slacked on my reading and replaced it with watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Netflix. In the past week or so, I have worked on remedying that and revisiting my “to read” list. I’ve started a pretty hefty epic fantasy series called that Malazan Book of the Fallen by Steven Erikson, and I’ve enjoyed it so far. I’ve almost finished the first book, and it feels really good to lose myself in a series again, which I haven’t really done since I finished reading the Song of Ice and Fire series by George R. R. Martin (can I mention that he needs to hurry up with the next book?). I’m also doing daily bible readings (following the OWNit365 plan), and reading different nonfiction works, like those by C. S. Lewis.
  • The last thing I want to concentrate on is spring cleaning. I’ve gotten a little bit of a head start, but there is still plenty to be done–we bought a fairly large house with the intention of filling it with children (because we are responsible and couldn’t possibly start trying before we had a place to put a baby), so there is lots to clean. Once the nice weather hits, I actually enjoy cleaning–opening all the windows and smelling the fresh air while I organize, sort, scrub, and fold.

So that’s it. My be-kind-to-myself-by-attempting-to-salvage-my-sanity-during-the-TWW plan. What do you think?

Also, here is a bonus picture of our little Molly hanging out in one of the raised beds before we filled it with dirt. She’s not so little anymore!

Our sweet little furbaby!

Our sweet little furbaby!

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Staying Busy

I have one of those personalities that are prone to anxiety and worrying. Remember my post about charting? I tend to obsess over things (like temping) and sometimes I have to make some adjustments to my life or the way I do things so that I don’t feed those tendencies. One thing I have worked on is taking all of that energy and applying it to a healthy distraction like cooking, cleaning, or playing with my new puppy :) Here are some of my favorite ways to stay busy so I don’t worry too much, especially during my TWW. These are in no particular order (Can you tell I like lists? Because I really like lists):

  • Cleaning up the house We bought our house in September of last year, and I love having a home we can call our own. Surprising at it might be, I’m not a neat freak. Hubby and I are actually both big slobs, and I’ve never really enjoyed cleaning. Ever since we bought our house, however, I take pride in having a home to take care of, so I try to keep it looking nice. It is definitely not the cleanest house on the block, but it is consistently cleaner than our apartment was. Every once in awhile, I will start to clean up the kitchen or something and get in the zone, realizing hours later that I’ve deep cleaned half the house. This has been happening more lately–probably because I’ve had so much going on mentally and emotionally and it is so nice to just turn off my brain and concentrate fully on physical labor. Although, I do have to confess that I’ve been really lax in cleaning since we brought home the puppy because she takes so much time and energy. So despite everything I just said about cleaning, my house is a disaster right now. Maybe I should do something about that this weekend…
  • Sewing I don’t have a ton of experience sewing (or doing anything that can be classified as domestic), but I have started working on some projects lately and I have really enjoyed it. I started a Pinterest account in July and have since made two skirts with matching headbands. I am also in the middle of making a cute dress from a pattern I bought a few weeks ago. When I start sewing, it’s like all of my thoughts and worries just float away and are replaced with a calm contentment–I’ll put my head down to work on a project and not even notice as the hours fly by. Plus I end up with cute things to wear and show off!
  • Cooking/Baking Once again, I wasn’t really raised to be domestic so this is fairly new territory for me. Because I didn’t cook much growing up, I have to concentrate really hard and double check myself to make sure I don’t screw up recipes. So it takes quite a bit of concentration to cook or bake, but I have thoroughly enjoyed it. I love being able to see a recipe and make it that night. Or when I get a craving for something sweet after dinner, I love being able to just whip something up. Lately, hubby and I have been trying meal planning, and we’re still trying to get the hang of it. It takes some effort, but I would rather direct my energy to planning meals for the week and putting together a shopping list than worrying at 6:00pm about what we are going to eat that night.
  • Playing with my furbabies :) We have two furbabies. Gaia is a dilute tortoiseshell cat that we adopted about two years ago. We couldn’t ask for a better kitty–she is very friendly and loves to snuggle. We also have Molly who is a little ball of energy and takes quite a bit of time and attention. She’s a labrador/australian shepherd mix, but you wouldn’t know it by looking at her–she looks all lab. We take her outside and run around with her multiple times a day, so not only is she a good distraction but she also encourages me to get some exercise (hello endorphins!)
  • Readinglove reading. My mom is a librarian, so I was constantly exposed to good books as I was growing up, and reading is my passion. I especially enjoy reading the classics: Charles Dickens, Alexander Dumas, Matthew Gregory Lewis, Fyodor Dostoyevski, etc. but I also have a special place in my heart for Harry Potter :) Right now I’m reading Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. Every night that we don’t have something planned, I take a long bath and read a few chapters. Talk about relaxing and clearing your head. I started doing this a week or so ago, and I’ve definitely noticed a difference in a my stress level.
  • Spending time with hubby Not only is my husband supportive, loving, fun,  sexy, and a hard worker, he is also the funniest person I know. Whenever we go somewhere, my favorite part is almost always the drive where we just talk about our days and whatever we are thinking about, and he almost always has some story from his day that makes me laugh until my stomach hurts. In those moments, I forget about the crap that has been bothering me. Usually, spending time with the hubby entails grocery shopping or some other errand, but as long as I’m hanging out with him, I’m fine. I am so content spending the rest of my life with that man.

I think that’s a long enough list for now. Maybe some of these things can help you get out of your head and be productive.  Storkchaser has started a Lazy Pinner’s Challenge where she encourages everyone to actually make something from Pinterest every month for three months, and I think that is a great idea that really coincides with this post. Check it out and maybe even join us (I’m making pumpkin snickerdoodle cookies because I love anything with pumpkin in it!).

I feel like I can’t write this post without also saying that I am sometimes guilty of distracting myself too much and not actually dealing with my emotions and the problems facing me. Sometimes when I am staying busy, I get this panicky feeling like something is creeping up on me and will catch me any moment. I can’t escape the reality of our difficulty getting pregnant or the loss of two pregnancies. That’s another reason why I started this blog. I can  sort through everything I’m dealing with and articulate my feelings in a safe way that doesn’t involve crying in the fetal position on my bathroom floor (although I sometimes do that too–everyone needs a good cry sometimes). I’m working on finding that balance of dealing with my struggles but not allowing myself to wallow and sink into a deep pit of self-pity.

How do you distract yourself from fertility issues or loss? Do you sometimes find that you distract yourself too much and need to slow down to face some of your emotions?

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