Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Periods, TTC again, Reminders, Christmas…

I have a couple different ideas for posts floating around in my head right now, but they are all  being drowned out by a voice that keeps screaming “AHHHHH! You’re taking the GRE tomorrow! AHHHHHH! PANIC!” Yes, the voice in my head is a bit melodramatic. So today is going to be a bullet point kind of day:

  • Thank you ladies for your responses to my previous post. Every time I’ve ever talked to someone about it, I’ve always gotten the, “deal with it, everyone’s period sucks” response, so I guess I didn’t take it as seriously as I should have. Like I said, it wasn’t until very recently that I even realized just how heavy my flow is compared to other women.  So I’m going to make an appointment to talk to my OB about it, and I can’t help but think that maybe figuring out why I have hellish periods will also solve my mc mystery without any “infertility” testing that wouldn’t be covered by insurance. Hey, a girl can hope, can’t she?
  • I am now in my fourth cycle after my last mc, which is the cycle that we had decided to start trying again. Right on time, I am starting to feel the desperate need to TTC. I knew that waiting was right for us the past couple of months because I didn’t want to TTC, and I was afraid of becoming pregnant. If I still felt this way, we would wait another cycle–or however many cycles it took for us to be ready, but I am ready. At least, I’m as ready as I can be. And hubby says that he is ready too, but I am willing to pull the plug as soon as he says that he isn’t.
  • Saturday was the Christmas parade in our town, and hubby’s shop made a float for it. There are only three employees at hubby’s shop: the owner, hubby, and one other mechanic. I think I mentioned before that the other mechanic’s wife found out she was pregnant the same time I did with my first pregnancy, and every time I see her, it’s like getting punched in the stomach. I can’t even hate her because they really wanted children but didn’t think she could get pregnant because she has pretty bad endo, but I still break down and cry every time after I see her. Well, all three employees and their wives were on the float on Saturday and the owner took everyone out to dinner afterward. It was horrible. She looks adorable–just glowing with the cutest baby bump I’ve ever seen. Ugh, I’ve been a bit of a mess ever since. My first due date is in January, and I don’t know if I’m ready for it.
  • My magical Christmas hope has been fading fast. I think the biggest reason is the fact that it has been 60+ degrees here over the past few weeks. At the Christmas parade, people were wearing t-shirts and sandals–it just doesn’t feel like Christmas. Combine that with my GRE stress and the pain of seeing my pregnancy twin still carrying her child, and I’m just not feeling the holiday cheer anymore. A cold front rolled in yesterday, and I’ll be done with the GRE tomorrow, so hopefully that will lift my spirits. Hopefully.

For those who have suffered a loss, how do you handle pregnant women with the same due date as you? Any spells I could cast to make her invisible to me?


Patient care: OBGYN vs. Midwife

When hubby and I decided to have a baby, I already knew that I wanted to have an unmedicated birth with a midwife. There were a lot of reasons behind this decision, and my experiences with trying to conceive and my miscarriages have done nothing but reinforce them.

Remember this post, where I talked about my appointment with my OBGYN? I’ve always liked him because he is so charismatic, and he never fails to makes me feel comfortable, which is definitely important when someone is checking out your lady parts. While he was talking to us that day, I instantly felt better, all of my concerns just melting away. After that appointment, however, I realized that he never actually listened to anything that I said. After we left the office, I decided that his charisma did not make up for the fact that he turned a deaf ear to me.

Fast forward to my first miscarriage and an absolutely horrible ER experience. I called the birth center when I started spotting that day, and they told me to go to the ER to get checked out because their sonographer was booked solid. While we were at the ER, I had extremely painful cramps and started bleeding heavily. I am convinced that my doctor had no OB training because she kept saying things that were incorrect (like saying that it looked like I was only one week pregnant, when there is no such thing as one week pregnant or telling me I needed a shot of RhoGAM because I have a negative blood type, even after I told her my husband is also A-). Every time I would try to talk to her, she would say, “uh…let me go check something” and disappear. They never talked to me about any of the tests, they just ran all of them–carting me around like an invalid and never bothering to ask me what I wanted. Out of everyone I dealt with that night, only one nurse actually treated me like a person.

When I had my second miscarriage, I knew exactly what was happening and what to expect, so I stayed home. I had my first prenatal appointment at the birth center the next day, so I went and spoke to the midwife about our journey and my concerns. The difference between talking to my OBGYN and talking to my midwife was like night and day. Linda sat with me, asking me lots of questions and truly listening to my answers. I told her about our trouble getting pregnant, both of my miscarriages, my cycles and charts, and my suspicions about having low progesterone. Linda listened and showed concern for me as a person, asking me not only about the medical aspects of our journey, but also my emotional health and how I was coping with everything. Before she did anything, she always made sure to ask me if I was comfortable with it. For example, when I told her needles make me cry, she assured me that they didn’t have to take blood, but she believed that the results might help us find out if something serious was wrong with me. It really caught me off guard–I had never been treated like I was in control of my care. Linda agreed with me that it sounded like I was having progesterone issues, and she wrote me a prescription, recommending that we prevent for 2-3 cycles before we try again, making it very clear that this was only her recommendation and I should do what made me comfortable.

The entire time I was in the ER and people kept talking about me instead of to me, I kept thinking “This is the exact reason I do not want to give birth in hospital, I want to be treated like a person, not a patient.” My experience at the birth center was the exact opposite, and I knew from the time I started talking to Linda that this was the right place for me. I knew that I wanted to be in the care of a woman like Linda whenever I give birth.  Now I just have to get pregnant and stay pregnant so I can have that experience!

Did anyone else have a less than desirable experience with an OBGYN or hospital? Has anyone else fallen in love with midwives?


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Our Newest Family Member

So what do you do when you are sad and frustrated because it is almost August, which will mark a year since you started trying to have a baby? You get a puppy. Everyone, meet Molly:


Molly is a Australian Shepherd and Labrador mix that we are getting from a woman I work with. We won’t get to take her home for a few more weeks because she is only 4 weeks old, but I can’t wait until she is ours. I’m really looking forward to training her, having a buddy to walk with, and a puppy to snuggle. Hubby didn’t even put up a fight–he immediately agreed and said that he thought it would be good for me. I know she will be a lot of work, but I could really use the distraction. I know it won’t get rid of that need to love and raise a baby, but it might help curb it a little until we get everything figured out. Then, once we have a baby, he or she will have a friend to play with–every kid needs a dog. I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am :)

I know I promised in my first post to give some background information about our journey, and I’m planning on telling a little bit of our story at the end of each post. So now that I’ve told you all about Molly, let me tell you about our first appointment. After we had tried a few months, I read Taking Charge of Your Fertility and started charting my cervical mucus and basal temperature. I noticed that my average temperature was fairly low (about 96.3) and that my luteal phase was only about nine days long. I could also tell from my charting that hubby and I were definitely having sex at the right time when I was ovulating, but I wasn’t getting pregnant. So I made an appointment with my OBGYN in February where I showed him my charts and told him I thought I had a progesterone problem. He smiled at me and told me that they don’t do any fertility testing until a couple has been trying for a year. He suggested that I buy some OPKs and come back in six months. It was so frustrating–I felt like he didn’t hear a single thing I said. I just knew there was something wrong with me and if my OBGYN wouldn’t take me seriously, I honestly believed I couldn’t get pregnant until after he saw me again in August.

Has anyone else had the frustrating experience of an OBGYN that just wouldn’t listen? Or have you been told that you can’t have any testing until you have been trying for a year? Is anyone else guilty of getting a new pet to help you deal with fertility problems or a loss?


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