Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Rambling

I want to start by thanking all of you for your kind words of support and sympathy. I appreciate all of you more than you know.

This past week, it has felt like I’m experiencing so many emotions at the same time–at such a high volume, that I can’t actually feel any of them. Its like I can mentally point out each of these feelings in myself, but I’m completely numb, like my body knows that I can’t handle this again and is mercifully shielding me. There have been so many things that I’ve wanted to write about, but I can’t seem to find the words. But I know that there is healing in writing, so I’m going to give it my best shot. Here’s what has been in my mind, in no particular order:

Guilt This was my fifth miscarriage. Fifth. And, honestly, I’m starting to wonder at myself. I mean, at this point, each loss puts us at a greater chance for another, so how much longer can this go on before I’m responsible? How many times can this happen before I can say that I am consciously killing my children by selfishly conceiving them? I know that sounds terrible, and I’m probably not being fair to myself, but it’s something I can’t get out of my head.

Adoption Before I found out I was pregnant, we made plans to meet with a good friend who is a adoption lawyer for a consultation where we will discuss our options and figure out what direction we want to go. Our appointment is tomorrow, and we are ready. We have talked for years about adoption, and we now know without any doubt that this is the right path for us. Now we just have to figure out which direction we want to take. We’ve discussed the pros and cons of different types of adoption (foster, domestic, private, international), and that is mostly what we are going to discuss tomorrow, so I will update on this later.

Reflections on 2013 Last year I wrote a post where I was ready to say fuck off to 2012. It had been a really hard year with three losses, and I was so ready to move on and had so much hope for 2013. This year also had three losses. We lost Tup in June, we lost Molly in October, and we lost this little one at the very end of the year. Hubby was also dealing with a painful Crohn’s flair-up for almost the entire first half of the year. Between all of my failed pregnancies and Hubby’s illness, we spent most of the year drowning in medical debt and are still trying to work our way free of all the bills and collection agencies. It was another rough year. Yes, the year did have some positives, including my assistantship that allowed me to go back to school (although that has made our financial situation even more dire) and our sweet little Jack Jack, but I’m ready to move on. Things have to turn around for us sometime, right?

Prevention I’m trying to find out what to do about the months to come. My last tests showed a potential cause for these losses with a new treatment (a post for another time), but we are not on that path right now. We are ready to move on to adoption. I feel like we need to prevent for awhile, but I hate birth control and hubby hates con.doms, so what’s a couple to do? I know the copper iud provides birth control without the hormones, but it’s pretty expensive (see medical bills above) and it lasts ten years. Yes, it’s reversible, but that’s a lot of money to pay for long-term birth control only to have it taken out early. Any other ideas? I feel fairly confident that we could handle the family planning method, but after two and a half years of tracking my cycles while trying to get pregnant, I’m pretty much over it.

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TTC Pregnancy #4–Cycle #1

If you think this post seems terribly apathetic, that’s because it is. That’s where I am right now. Bear with me, I’m hoping it will pass soon…

For the first time since August, I am officially in the two week wait. I wrote awhile back about how I felt stuck, and you would think that starting TTC again would help me feel like I’m achieving some forward motion. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I had a rough New Years. I have a very vivid memory of going on vacation with my very pregnant friend and our husbands on New Years last year. I remember crying to my husband because I wasn’t pregnant yet. Sure, we had only been trying for 4-5 months, but I had this gut feeling that something was wrong and we would never have a baby. It’s been a year since that moment, and we are essentially in the same place. So TTC may seem like progress, but we started TTC well over a year ago,  I’ve been pregnant three times, and the end result is that we’re in the same place we were last year.  You could even say that we’ve backtracked a little because now we have  more heartache and less hope. I’m fairly certain I won’t feel like we are moving forward until I am solidly into a viable pregnancy or we move on and start the paperwork and classes for the foster adoption plan–Plan H (seriously, there are only so many letters in the alphabet).

I’m not really holding my breath for this cycle because hubby and I haven’t been particularly diligent in our baby-making efforts. The timing wasn’t perfect–we had sex around the general time of ovulation, but we might have missed the exact window. Hubby hasn’t been feeling well (he’s going to the doctor tomorrow to figure out what could be up with his stomach), and I have stayed true to my promise of not pressuring him when he doesn’t want to. I didn’t even tell him when I was ovulating because I didn’t want to upset him or stress him out by making him think that he has to have sex with me. So we are basically only having sex when we feel like it and I’ve been watching for ovulation and hoping that he feels like it at the right time. It’s not really the perfect recipe for baby-making, but at this point, our relationship and hubby’s emotional health is much more important to me.

Even though I make it sound like I was tricking hubby by not telling him when I was ovulating, he is fully up to date and well aware that I am in the TWW. He also knows the official POAS date: Friday the 12th. I’ve been taking my progesterone in the evenings and I have enough to make it until Thursday before I need to refill it which is perfect because I think Friday is 14 DPO. So I’ll take a HPT on Friday morning, and if it is positive, I’ll refill my prescription that day. Then I will follow the “BFP Plan” that I have comprised over the past four months since my last mc. I’m planing on posting about it in detail tomorrow, so be sure to check back in, because you know you are on the edge of your seats.

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New Year

This time of year always makes me reflective.

I remember at the end of 2010, my mom and sister were both saying how glad they were that the year was ending because 2010 sucked so much, and I actually got a little upset with them. Yes, 2010 was a hard year for my family because both of my grandparents died that year, but it was also a good year. It was the year I graduated from college, married the love of my life, and started my first job out of college. It was the year hubby and I moved into the little apartment we built together, adopted our little kitty Gaia, and joined our church. 2010 was a big year for me, and I was a little hurt that they overlooked all of that to only see the negative and the loss. I think part of it may be that I was the most accepting of my grandfather’s death, and I was apparently the only one who was expecting it. My grandfather was so heartbroken after my grandmother died, and I hated to see him that way. He was a shell. I was so sad when he died, but I took comfort in his death, too, because I knew he was where he belonged–with my grandmother. I insisted on pointing out the good to my family, and I was a little sad to see the year pass after I had spent so much time looking forward to it.

WeddingAfter five years together, 2010 was the year I finally married the love of my life.

Gaia2010 was also the year this beautiful, snuggly girl entered our lives

2011 was another big year for us. Hubby quit his job and followed his dream to be an auto mechanic, and I got my first full-time job. Hubby also joined his volunteer fire department and found another passion to follow. We bought a house, made some very close friends, and started trying to expand our family. At the end of the year, I had a lot to think about and a lot to be thankful for. I did have a nagging sadness because I hadn’t gotten pregnant yet, but it had only been four months, and I had high hopes for the future.

Now that another year has passed, I’m trying to look back without bitterness in my heart. 2012 brought three miscarriages, multiple friendships lost, a new atmosphere at my job that makes me hate going to work, and an unfortunate turn of events that eventually led to us leaving our church. I keep thinking about how glad I am to be rid of 2012, and how much I am looking forward to the clean slate of 2013. I also keep thinking about 2010. I keep thinking about how my mom and sister only saw the loss and couldn’t see all of the wonderful things that had happened that year, and I’m trying to see the good things. In 2013, we adopted little Miss Molly, I found this community, we made new friendships with good people who won’t treat us with the hate that our old “friends” treated us with, we found a new church that we are slowly finding our place in, and hubby has come a long way in his fire training. It really doesn’t feel like much. It really doesn’t make me feel better about all of the sadness that we have endured this year, but I’m working very hard to look into 2013 with hope and not look back on 2012 with anger and despair.

MollyOne good thing that happened to us in 2012. I love her little Batman collar–it has a seatbelt buckle.
How did that tiny puppy grow so fast?

What about you? How do you feel about 2012 and the new year that is rapidly approaching?

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