Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

TWW and Kindness Friday Part III

After months of missing the big O because of hubby being sick and some weirdness in my cycles, I am officially one week into the two week wait. I feel like this is our first full-hearted attempt since my last pregnancy, and as much as I make excuses about why we couldn’t really try each month, I think the truth was that I wasn’t ready. I want a baby, but I wasn’t ready for the emotional roller coaster that is TTC, and as much as I hope and pray that our next baby will be our rainbow, I have to acknowledge the very real possibility that I could have another mc and I couldn’t face that possibility. Now, I’m ready to try. I’m ready to hope. I’m ready to risk great heartache for a chance for our rainbow. I’m ready to hurry up and wait I have begrudgingly resigned myself to waiting.

Whenever we aren’t trying or I’m not currently in the TWW, I always think that it’s not that bad–I can stay calm and be patient and stick to my POAS plan. Seriously, I’m an intelligent, reasonable person, and I can conquer the TWW with grace and sanity. Then, starting just a few days after ovulation, I feel the desperate need to start peeing on all the things. No matter what I’m doing, the upcoming peestick day and everything it represents (the possibility of a baby growing in my ute, the possibility of another mc, the possibility of our lives being forever changed) is always in the back of my mind. The harder I fight it and try to stay calm, the more forcefully it drives itself into the forefront of my thoughts. It’s ridiculous.

So, in an attempt to distract myself from obsessing about the current state of my ute, I’m going to spend the next week doing things that I enjoy and will leave me feeling content and empowered. Let’s think of it as a whole week of kindness that will keep me mentally (and possibly physically?) happy and healthy. Here are some of the things I plan on doing over the weekend and during the evenings next week:

  • I would like to spend as much time as possible outside. I haven’t posted about it, but hubby and I have been busy little bees getting a garden ready for this summer. First, we built a fence to keep out the pup, then we built two raised beds, and two potato towers. We also used the extra lumber from our fence to make some small boxes for me to grow herbs. Now that it looks like we have had our last frost (I hope), I’m ready to plant some seeds and some of the seedlings that we have been growing in our house. I absolutely love the feeling of the dirt under my hands and watching the miracle of life coming from these tiny seeds. It really builds up my self esteem and also makes me feel more connected to God. Unfortunately, it is supposed to rain all weekend, but that’s ok because I have a back-up plan:
  • I’ve been spending some time lately reading blogs and watching youtube videos on how to make my own cloth pads and panty liners.  I spent my winter knitting, and now that it is summer, I am ready to start sewing again! Sewing makes me feel so calm and empowered–it’s like the whole world disappears for awhile, and there is nothing but the whir of my machine. Also, wearing something that I made is an incredible feeling! I’m planning on taking aspects that I like from different patterns and products and meshing them into a super awesome hybrid that’s just for me :o)  I know it may seem silly to make these during my TWW, but maybe I can jinx myself into pregnancy…
  • Over the past few months, I have slacked on my reading and replaced it with watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Netflix. In the past week or so, I have worked on remedying that and revisiting my “to read” list. I’ve started a pretty hefty epic fantasy series called that Malazan Book of the Fallen by Steven Erikson, and I’ve enjoyed it so far. I’ve almost finished the first book, and it feels really good to lose myself in a series again, which I haven’t really done since I finished reading the Song of Ice and Fire series by George R. R. Martin (can I mention that he needs to hurry up with the next book?). I’m also doing daily bible readings (following the OWNit365 plan), and reading different nonfiction works, like those by C. S. Lewis.
  • The last thing I want to concentrate on is spring cleaning. I’ve gotten a little bit of a head start, but there is still plenty to be done–we bought a fairly large house with the intention of filling it with children (because we are responsible and couldn’t possibly start trying before we had a place to put a baby), so there is lots to clean. Once the nice weather hits, I actually enjoy cleaning–opening all the windows and smelling the fresh air while I organize, sort, scrub, and fold.

So that’s it. My be-kind-to-myself-by-attempting-to-salvage-my-sanity-during-the-TWW plan. What do you think?

Also, here is a bonus picture of our little Molly hanging out in one of the raised beds before we filled it with dirt. She’s not so little anymore!

Our sweet little furbaby!

Our sweet little furbaby!

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Community

Lately I’ve been wondering what role this blog needs to play in my life while hubby and I are taking a break from TTC. I wonder if I am really letting myself step back and take a break when I am still reading, posting, and surrounding myself with this world. In wondering this, I have begun to really evaluate what this community means to me and what role it plays in my life.

I love having support from people who understand (at least on some level–everyone’s story is different) what I am going through, and I love knowing that I can be that support to some other people. It always amazes me how much love and encouragement I can receive just from a comment on a post or an email from someone else in the community, and lately I’ve been trying to make the effort to leave some love on the posts that I read. Every time I read about a BFP or a birth, I get so excited and celebrate for that couple. It gives me hope, and I truly feel joy for them because I know the road that they have traveled to get to that BFP was long and hard.

But being part of this community is also heartbreaking. I feel a connection with some of these couples, and I will cheer and hope and pray so hard for them. But sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes my WP reader is full of BFN’s, failed IVF’s and FET’s, and miscarriages. It’s easy to feel hopeless when you are surrounded by these stories, and sometimes it is so hard to deal with other couples’ losses when I’m already dealing with my own. But you what? That’s what community is all about: sharing joy and sharing pain. It’s about encouragement and commiseration. It’s about letting yourself care about people enough that your heart will break for them. It’s about posting funny stuff that will brighten everyone’s day.

This community is important to me, and I plan on sticking around, even when we aren’t currently TTC.

Speaking of funny stuff, because we want to give my body time to heal and I’m not emotionally ready for another pregnancy right now, we are preventing pregnancy. Believe me, the irony is not lost on us. Anyway, little Miss Molly likes to get into the trashcan in our bathroom, and while we usually are good about keeping the door shut and keeping her out of the bathroom, she still manages to get into to it every once in awhile. Earlier this week, I was outside with her and saw something weird when she pooped. Upon closer inspection, I saw that it was a condom. Oh my goodness. We are now buying a new trashcan with a lid.

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Progress

Yesterday I completed step one of my plan to take my life back from fertility issues and loss. My poor wardrobe needed to be updated last fall (I only had one pair of jeans that fit…), but I powered through thinking that I would be pregnant soon, and I decided that after three mc’s, I would allow myself to go out and spend the money this year. I had a long list of things I needed, and I went out armed with $260, hoping that I could find some good deals and get most of the stuff on my list with that amount. I bought 3 sweaters, 1 sweater dress, 2 long sleeved shirts, 2 pairs of jeans, 1 jean skirt, 3 camisoles, 1 pair of leggings, 3 bras, and 5 pairs of underwear. The total damage? $240. Success! Now I just need some new shoes…

On to step two! We are in the process of some house updates. Little Miss Molly is almost big enough to start leaving outside during the day, so we are trying to prepare for that. This includes making sure that the fence doesn’t have any escape holes under it, putting lattice under the back deck to keep her from getting into the mud under there, building a doghouse of sorts, and building a wooden gate to keep her from getting on the deck around the pool (I am terrified that she is going to fall in the pool because our friend’s dog drowned in an above ground pool). We built the gate this weekend and will be hanging it tonight. I’ve always had indoor dogs and the thought of leaving her outside makes me a little nervous, but she loves being outside and it is better for her than being cooped up in a crate all day.

I also made some progress on step three: my old Taekwondo instructor did a demo to earn his 7th degree black belt on Saturday, and I went to watch. I got to see a bunch of people that I haven’t seen since I quit, and I realized just how much I miss it. I’m so glad I went because I found out that one of the instructors has started a school close to where I work, and he is going to send me some info on it. So I might be getting back in the game! Wahoo! I can’t wait to put on my uniform and gear and start fighting again–it is the only way to work out :o) Tyler (the instructor who started the school) said that he doesn’t actually do adult classes and his oldest student right now is sixteen, but I would be welcome to come train with him and maybe even start helping teach again. I’ll take it.

It’s amazing the turns your life can take when you decide to start living again :o)

Don’t forgot to send me your book/books for the IF Bloggers Book Club–they are due Friday!

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It is Well

This morning at church we sang “It is Well with my Soul,” and that made me feel a whole lot better:

When peace like a river attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well with my soul.

I’ve been so afraid to get excited and worried that I will wake up one morning and not be pregnant, but for now, I am pregnant. I know I will feel better after tomorrow because that is when I have my first appointment with my midwife. I’ve never actually made it to my first appointment before–since I had chemical pregnancies, they were over only a few days after I learned I was pregnant. I guess for that reason, I feel like actually making it to an appointment is a good sign. Unfortunately, hubby’s boss is out of town and he put hubby in charge of the shop while he is gone, so I’ll be on my own tomorrow–I would really appreciate it if everyone would send some positive thoughts and prayers in my direction around 2:15 EST.

Also, does it feel like fall to anyone else? There has been a noticeable shift in the weather here in East TN. We went for a mile long walk with Molly today, and I didn’t even break a sweat. I’m taking it as a good sign because I love autumn. Let’s just hope that fall pregnancies bring May rainbows.

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Getting so big!

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In the last picture I posted of Molly, she was just over six weeks old. In this picture, she is eight weeks and she is growing so fast! Look at those paws–she is going to be huge! For the record, yes, having a puppy is really helping me deal with everything. It was a very good idea.

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Molly

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I just had to post a picture of our little bundle of joy. Don’t have any kids, so I have to brag on my furbaby. We picked her up a week ago and she has done great! Love her :)

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