Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Just because I try to stay positive….

… does NOT mean I don’t have feelings and you can say whatever you want to me–I am sad and hormonal, and I am not impervious to hateful comments!

Yesterday hubby and I got the chance to spend some quality time with our best friends and their 5 month old son. This is the couple that got pregnant on the first try, had a textbook pregnancy, and their son is a happy, healthy boy. I have worked very hard on not resenting or begrudging them because it is honestly not their fault that it was so easy for them, and I would never wish fertility issues or a miscarriage on someone. I was there her entire pregnancy, giving her support and listening to her whenever she needed to talk. When she had her baby, I organized with some people from our church so they would have a meal brought to them every day for at least a week after they got home from the hospital. Whenever we visited them or went out with them, hubby or I would hold or feed their baby so they got a chance to eat a complete meal in peace. I have honestly loved watching that little man grow, and I am so happy for my friends.

While we were hanging out, my friend made two comments that didn’t sit well with me.

I told her that we have started actively TTC again after our post mc break because she has really been there every step of the way. She and her hubby have been through a lot of our experience with us–being hopeful for us, being sad with us, being frustrated with us, and whenever I get pregnant (see that positive thinking there?) she will be one of the first people I tell. First, she told me that her co-worker is also TTC. Apparently, this girl is super fertile and got pregnant on the first try with one of her kids and got pregnant while on BC with the other one, so my friend is expecting her to announce any time now. This was followed by a comment that went something like this: “So you and (coworker) will probably be pregnant at the same time and I’m going to hate my life because I’ll have to deal with both of you.”

Later in the conversation, we told our friends about hubby’s new life plan. Hubby is currently a mechanic and a volunteer firefighter. In September, he will start fire academy which he is really excited about. It is a 240 hour course–Tuesdays and Thursdays for 7 months, and once he is done, he will have enough certifications to get a full time fire job. If he gets a full time fire job, he will make more money than we make combined right now. So we are hoping that he will be able to get a full time fire job because he loves working with the fire department, and if he gets one, I will be able to quit my job whenever we have a baby. My friend was very upset when she had to go back to work after she had her baby, and when we told her about the awesome opportunity that hubby has right now, she said, “If you get to stay home with your baby and I’m still going to work, I will hate you.”

I’m hesitant to write about these things because it makes my friend sound like she is always hateful and unsupportive, which isn’t true, but this kind of attitude and these comments have become more and more frequent. I know she’s been having a rough time lately (fighting with hubby and PPD) and that makes her negative, but these two comments really cut me down to the very center of my heart. She has essentially had everything handed to her when it came to TTC, and she is not allowed to resent me when I get  pregnant! Am I so wrong to expect the same love and support I gave her? I just can’t believe she would talk about how inconvenient it would be for her if I got pregnant, when she knows what all hubby and I have been through.

I know every person with one of these blogs has stories like this, where someone says something that isn’t very nice in the first place, but it is like a slap in the face when you take into consideration the circumstances. Please excuse me while I go cry in the corner.

-Danielle

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Why I don’t use the word “Infertile”

On many of the blogs I’ve read, women refer to themselves as infertiles. Some of you may have noticed that I really hesitate to use this word. Medically, a woman is considered infertile if she tries unsuccessfully to get pregnant for a year. Hubby and I have been trying to get pregnant for a year, but we have technically been successful, even if the pregnancy itself was not successful. I’m sure part of it is denial, but that is not all of it. I do not want to insult infertiles by categorizing myself with them when I have not gone through as much as them in terms of fertility. Most of the infertiles I have met have TTC for well over a year and used many different drugs and procedures to get pregnant–without any success. We aren’t quite there yet (I pray that we will never be there; I never want to seriously talk about how far we are willing to go with fertility treatment). So I choose to replace to word “infertile” with the slightly awkward phrase “struggling with fertility.” Does it matter in the grand scheme of things? Probably not, but it matters to me.

Do you consider yourself an infertile? What do you think the “requirements” should be to be considered an infertile?

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Support

Who do you turn to for support when it feels like you are the only one who understands what you are going through? I am the first person in my circle of friends that has dealt with fertility issues and miscarriage. I am only the second person in my circle of friends who has even started trying to have kids. That can leave a girl feeling awfully lonely. So where do I turn?

Hubby: Hands down, my best source of support has been my hubby. He is my best friend who knows what I’m thinking before I ever have to say a word and can make me laugh no matter how far down I am. I could never dream up a man more perfect for me than hubby. He is a wonderful listener when I am upset or discouraged, and he is wonderful at building me up and not letting me get down on myself. I know that fertility issues and mc’s can really do a toll on relationships, but everything that we have been through has only brought the two of us closer. I could never say just how blessed I am to have him.

Baby Center Groups: Ok, I always thought that people who used internet forums or similar types of groups were pathetic and needed to get a life that involved real people beyond their computer screens. Now I am one of those people. As much as I love hubby and as much support as I receive from him, I needed comfort and support from women whose stories are similar to mine, and I was amazed at the love, wisdom, and encouragement that I found in a group called Trying to Conceive After Miscarriage at Baby Center. Through this group, I am part of a community that gives me a place to vent, get advice,  celebrate, find stories similar to mine, etc. It has taught me that an online support system can be very helpful as long as you don’t let it consume all of your time and energy–don’t become so obsessed with it that you forget the real world.

Blogs: I have also found quite a few blogs that I have enjoyed reading. Even if I have never spoken to these women, I feel connected to them, and I know that I’m not alone. One of my favorites is This Place is Now a Home which talks about one couple’s nine month struggle with fertility, then it covers her pregnancy and the growth of their adorable son.  She recently posted about a mc, and that made me feel even more connected to her. I’ve also recently discovered Dog Mom Chasing the Stork, which is a fairly new blog chronicling struggles with fertility and a mc. I’m not the only one out there dealing with fertility issues, and I’m not the only one who has been devastated by a mc. These blogs remind me of that fact, and even if they aren’t always upbeat and positive, that feeling of not being alone really encourages me. Being able to root for someone else and their journey just warms me.

So if you are looking for somewhere to turn, check out the groups at Baby Center. They have countless groups, and there is a place for everyone. You can also check out the blogs I mentioned–I have grown quite fond of the women who wrote them :D

Where do you turn to for support? Are there any online groups you are a part of or any particular blogs you enjoy reading?

-Danielle

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Welcome!

Welcome to Catching our Rainbow!

My name is Danielle, and almost a year ago, my husband and I entered the world of “Trying to Conceive.” We both thought this would be a fairly easy process—all you have to do is have sex, right? That’s how it happened for our best friends: they decided to have a baby, they started trying, in less than a month they had a positive pregnancy test, she was pregnant for nine months with no complications, she gave birth, and now they have a beautiful 4 ½ month old son. I think this gave us some unrealistic expectations about fertility and conception. I thought we would get pregnant immediately, and my best friend and I would be pregnant together. Unfortunately, that is not how our story goes. We tried to get pregnant for nine months, and when I finally saw that positive test, I had a miscarriage. Then I had another miscarriage. It has now been almost a year, and we still do not have a child. Our next step is to start trying again with the help of progesterone supplements.

I decided to start this blog to have a place to share my story, possibly connect with some women who have been in my shoes, and also to have a safe place to vent. Topics like infertility and miscarriages make people uncomfortable, so it isn’t always easy to find someone to talk to. Even when you have supportive friends who will listen, you reach a point where you feel like you’ve bothered them enough—I don’t want to be the woman who is always upset or complaining. I also wanted to start this blog to bring some more awareness to infertility and miscarriages because they are both so much more common than people seem to realize. I can’t tell you have many people I’ve talked to who had trouble getting pregnant or had a miscarriage. So I created this blog: Catching Our Rainbow.  For those who don’t know, a baby that is born after a miscarriage is called a rainbow baby, so we are currently trying to catch our rainbow.

Over time, I will try to write some entries that tell more about what we have been through up to this point: doctor appointments, my miscarriages, people’s reactions to what we are going through, etc. I will also try to keep everyone up to date on what is going on now and our progress.

-Danielle

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