Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Our Tree

Tuesday was my last day of classes, so I’m home every day until I turn in a 15 page paper, turn in a huge project, and take a final next Tuesday. Yesterday I should have worked on my paper, but I also should have been eight months pregnant. Should haves don’t always happen. Instead of working on my stuff, I turned on jazzy Christmas music, made a hot cup of tea, and decorated our living room for Christmas. It was lovely and peaceful, which was just what I needed. I hung four of these ornaments on our tree this year:

OrnamentOne for each of our babies. 

A lot of people have very fancy trees where all of the ornaments match, where it’s all perfect like it belongs in a department store. But our tree isn’t like that. It’s a little scrawny tree because we don’t have a lot of room, and it has all kinds of different ornaments on it. I love putting them on because each ornament reminds me of something.  I have ornaments from our first Christmas together and our first Christmas in our new house. I have a couple of ugly Hallmark granddaughter ornaments that my grandparents gave me when I was growing up. I have an ornament the hubby painted when we worked at Christmas camp eight years ago. I have wooden ornaments that my grandfather carved and other ornaments that my favorite aunt crocheted. And four glass hearts to represent our four babies.

Our tree isn’t a decoration. It’s a storybook.

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Periods, TTC again, Reminders, Christmas…

I have a couple different ideas for posts floating around in my head right now, but they are all  being drowned out by a voice that keeps screaming “AHHHHH! You’re taking the GRE tomorrow! AHHHHHH! PANIC!” Yes, the voice in my head is a bit melodramatic. So today is going to be a bullet point kind of day:

  • Thank you ladies for your responses to my previous post. Every time I’ve ever talked to someone about it, I’ve always gotten the, “deal with it, everyone’s period sucks” response, so I guess I didn’t take it as seriously as I should have. Like I said, it wasn’t until very recently that I even realized just how heavy my flow is compared to other women.  So I’m going to make an appointment to talk to my OB about it, and I can’t help but think that maybe figuring out why I have hellish periods will also solve my mc mystery without any “infertility” testing that wouldn’t be covered by insurance. Hey, a girl can hope, can’t she?
  • I am now in my fourth cycle after my last mc, which is the cycle that we had decided to start trying again. Right on time, I am starting to feel the desperate need to TTC. I knew that waiting was right for us the past couple of months because I didn’t want to TTC, and I was afraid of becoming pregnant. If I still felt this way, we would wait another cycle–or however many cycles it took for us to be ready, but I am ready. At least, I’m as ready as I can be. And hubby says that he is ready too, but I am willing to pull the plug as soon as he says that he isn’t.
  • Saturday was the Christmas parade in our town, and hubby’s shop made a float for it. There are only three employees at hubby’s shop: the owner, hubby, and one other mechanic. I think I mentioned before that the other mechanic’s wife found out she was pregnant the same time I did with my first pregnancy, and every time I see her, it’s like getting punched in the stomach. I can’t even hate her because they really wanted children but didn’t think she could get pregnant because she has pretty bad endo, but I still break down and cry every time after I see her. Well, all three employees and their wives were on the float on Saturday and the owner took everyone out to dinner afterward. It was horrible. She looks adorable–just glowing with the cutest baby bump I’ve ever seen. Ugh, I’ve been a bit of a mess ever since. My first due date is in January, and I don’t know if I’m ready for it.
  • My magical Christmas hope has been fading fast. I think the biggest reason is the fact that it has been 60+ degrees here over the past few weeks. At the Christmas parade, people were wearing t-shirts and sandals–it just doesn’t feel like Christmas. Combine that with my GRE stress and the pain of seeing my pregnancy twin still carrying her child, and I’m just not feeling the holiday cheer anymore. A cold front rolled in yesterday, and I’ll be done with the GRE tomorrow, so hopefully that will lift my spirits. Hopefully.

For those who have suffered a loss, how do you handle pregnant women with the same due date as you? Any spells I could cast to make her invisible to me?

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Christmas

I know that many people in this community have a really hard time with the holidays, and I totally understand that. Everyone who has suffered through infertility or a loss (or multiple losses) has a right to be a Grinch during the holiday season, but I wanted to write a little post about why I love the holiday season–even if it is a difficult time.

For years before I got married, I hated the holidays–mostly because it was family time. To me, the holidays were a time for arguing, crying, door-slamming, etc. I spent every Christmas season counting down the days until I could move back into my dorm room at school. Then I got married, and Christmas meant decorating our home, making fudge with hubby, snuggling next to the Christmas tree, hopeful Advent services at our church, and time with the man I love. The definition of “family time” shifted to something quiet, comforting, and lovely. Once we got married, Christmas became my favorite time of year, and I just can’t shake the feeling of hope that always comes with it. Yesterday, hubby and I decorated the tree while drinking hot cider and watching It’s a Wonderful Life, and that just seems to sum up Christmas time for me.

Yes, there have been times that I have been sad. I can’t help but think about how I should be eight months pregnant right now, taking adorable belly pictures in front of the Christmas tree and preparing our home not just for Christmas, but for the arrival of our child. Sometimes I feel like I’m surrounded by reminders of my three failed pregnancies. But I’m also surrounded by hope. Hope that, one way or another, we will have a child next Christmas. Do I know that for sure? No. But I’m hopeful.

I hung three of these ornaments on the tree this year, beautiful reminders of the children we will never know but will always love:

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