Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…


on June 26, 2014

Now that I’m pregnant, I feel like I need some big event or a total anxious breakdown or something to write a blog post. One of the things I’m learning is that this step of our journey is a lot like other steps because there is a lot of waiting. With four weeks in between appointments, there is not much to update beyond my expanding waistline and the pregnancy symptoms that you could just read about on any of the countless pregnancy websites. I don’t want my posts to start looking like bumpdates, but I want to write because I know how frustrating it can be when a pregnant infertile disappears from blogland. So I’m going to try to post regularly, but I’m also going to try to keep it personal. We’ll see how it goes.

One of the many weird things about pregnancy is all of the vivid dreams. Due to all of the hormones and the fact that you are sleeping lighter, you have crazy dreams, and someone like me who doesn’t tend to remember her dreams starts to remember them. In my case, I sometimes remember them so well that I mistake dreams for actual memories, like when I was absolutely sure that hubby and I met a politician who is running for local office. I still have a hard time believing that didn’t actually happen, but the facts that I don’t remember any specific details about the moment and hubby has assured me on multiple occasions that it never occurred have me convinced that I’m just a crazy pregnant lady who is totally losing her grip on reality. This is not an isolated event either–I often have to ask myself during the day: did that memory really happen or did I just dream it?

The previous times I’ve been pregnant, I would have a recurring dream where I would give birth, and they would take the baby from me. No matter what I did, I couldn’t find my baby, and I couldn’t get it back. You don’t have to be a genius to interpret that one. But I haven’t had baby dreams with this pregnancy until Wednesday morning. I dreamt that I told my Papa that I’m pregnant, and he was so happy and so excited. He had a big smile on his face and gave me a huge hug. Then I told him that we are going to name the baby after him if he’s a boy. It was such a perfect, joyous moment, and I was so, so happy. And then I woke up. And I remembered that my Papa died a few months after hubby and I got married. I miss him. I want to talk to him like I did in my dream, and I want him to share in the joy we are experiencing right now. It was so real, and I was so heartbroken when I realized that it was only a dream.

Like I said before, I usually don’t remember my dreams. I would just wake up in the middle of the night feeling a really strong emotion–I would be terrified or incredibly sad, but I couldn’t remember why. Now I’m sad because I do remember.



3 responses to “Dreams

  1. steph50 says:

    So sorry about your Papa xox

  2. hopingonhope says:

    In my culture when you dreamof someone who was dear to you and is no longer there it means that person is protecting you from above and came down to tell you everything is ok :) i had terrible memory loss during pregnancy,i still dont remember where I put stuff away.

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