Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Let’s Start at the Very Beginning…

on May 30, 2014

Earlier this year we were moving on to adoption, and we were excited. But there was this little nagging voice in my head that kept reminding me of the Metanx that the doctor had prescribed for my MTHFR mutation, and I kept asking myself if we really wanted to move on before we tried everything. To be completely honest, I really didn’t think it would work. I was convinced that I couldn’t have kids and that I needed to start trying to accept that fact. But I had this compulsion to try. We talked about it multiple times and were basically very indecisive about trying again so we just stopped preventing to take the pressure of the choice out of our hands.

March 29th we went to Atlanta to surprise a friend for his birthday. We drove down early so we could walk around Ikea (because Ikea is a wonderful, magical place), and when I went to the bathroom, I noticed a lot of EWCM. About an hour later I felt intense ovulation pain in my left side and I remembered the time hubby and I had spent together the night before. I had no idea when my last period was because I hadn’t been keeping track of my cycle at all–it was a complete coincidence that I noticed ovulation. So I said a little prayer that whatever was best for us would happen and I wondered if there was a little soul developing inside of me.

When I bought a test 11 days later, I was not wishing for a particular result. After five losses, BFPs sort of lose their magic and are potentially scarier than they are exciting. But there it was: that second line. In my mind, I really thought of it as our last chance. I was convinced that I would look into some sort of long-term birth control if this one didn’t work out. I called and ordered the Metanx and paid extra for faster shipping. You are probably thinking that we should have already ordered it, but I don’t think I can describe the crippling indecision we had. We desperately wanted to be able to have a baby but actually making a firm decision to try again after five losses…it felt irresponsible. It made me feel like a stupid child who keeps touching the stove even though she keeps getting burned. So I didn’t order anything. I didn’t plan anything. I just had sex with my husband when I felt like it and prayed that the right path would be revealed to us because we had no idea which way to turn.

Actually ordering the Metanx turned into a huge ordeal that was unbelievably (and unnecessarily) stressful.  When I ordered the pills, I was very specific with the person I spoke to. I asked her multiple times how large the package is and I had her confirm multiple times that it would be delivered to my mailbox and not to my front porch. She assured me that the pills come in a small package and would be placed in my mailbox. Two days later, we come home to find pieces of package and a mutilated pill bottle in our yard and a large pile of dog puke on the driveway. They delivered it to the porch and Jack Jack ate them. Some people just can’t catch a break. Those people are us. In their defense, the company overnighted another bottle to me free of charge and even made a note to make sure it was delivered to the mailbox (but we still put the dogs up that day just to be safe). So I eventually got the pills and started taking them, unsure if it was too late or they would even work.

Coming soon: our first two appointments, the complicated emotions that come with pregnancy after loss, and the hunt for a midwife

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One response to “Let’s Start at the Very Beginning…

  1. clwalchevill says:

    Late to the party, but I wanted to offer a congratulations on the news! I know you’re being cautious and guarding your heart, but I am sincerely happy that things are looking very good.

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