Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Facing Some Fears

on May 14, 2014

Recently, there have been multiple posts on my reader about adoption. I know I said I would write about our adoption process, but the truth is that we have been dragging our feet for a lot of reasons. We have plenty of practical reasons, and we have basically come to the decision that we are going to wait until either I finish school (halfway there!) or hubby gets a fire job. But to be completely honest, we are also dealing with some fear.

Let me tell you about my little sister’s friend C. C got pregnant right out of high school with a guy who was bad news. My mom offered to pay for the legal costs to keep the dad out of her baby’s life, but C made the decision to give her daughter up for adoption and was matched with a wonderful couple. We all thought that C would be a good mother and that adoption might not be the right decision for her, but we all supported her desire to give her daughter a life and opportunities that she wouldn’t otherwise have. A couple of years later, C’s open adoption isn’t going well. She basically wants to co-parent with the adoptive parents without any of the responsibility of being a parent. She wants to be called Momma C and be one of three parents who raise the baby. She does things like calling the adoptive parents to lecture them about driving while it is storming with the baby in the car which she doesn’t think is safe. She wants to make all of the decisions for the baby while the adoptive parents pay the bills and do all the hard parts of raising her. C is miserable and grieving and deeply regrets putting her daughter up for adoption, but she did.

I don’t see this situation resolving–it is unhealthy and stressful. The adoptive parents are plagued by unhappy phone calls from the birth mother who is not healing. I don’t want to be in this situation. I don’t want those adoptive parents to be us. I have heard so many positive adoption stories–even lots of positive stories about open adoption, but this is something that I have seen first-hand, and it scares me.

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7 responses to “Facing Some Fears

  1. clwalchevill says:

    Wow, that story is one that would scare any potential adoptive parent. I do think there is a way to resolve this, but it will require some unpleasant decisions from these parents (mainly contacting the agency and pushing for counseling for the birth mom). Still, I this story is certainly a cautionary tale for why it’s important to work out boundaries and develop a game plan for how to deal with the unexpected.

    Regardless, I can understand why this would scare you. After all the heartache from infertility/loss, this site last thing you need. But I also believe that not all situations are like this one. That open adoption can and does work. Sometimes it means establishing boundaries, but openness isn’t solely defined by one model.

    Hang in there

  2. Caroline says:

    Thank you for sharing this story! We are considering adoption in the future and this is something to consider for sure. It makes sense as to why you would be hesitant.

  3. hopingonhope says:

    Wow. I feel for the adoptive parents and the birth mom. The birth mom defenitely needs counselling. Its unfair to her as well as thr adoptive parents. However, this might not be the normal for all open adoptions. There will be good and happy stories too. Good luck with wverything.

  4. Theresa says:

    oh man that is scary!! I feel for your friend and the adoptive parents both and can definitely see why it makes you hesitant

  5. Thanks for sharing this! We are also thinking about adoption, and are its our fears of situations like this that make me think adoption may not be for us.

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