Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

The Feelings are the Same

on May 2, 2014

I recently learned that a friend in my program is one of us. Just as I mentioned in my last post, if you are open enough, you will meet other infertiles and hear their stories. It’s empowering. Terribly sad, but empowering to know that you are not alone. Even in a department full of academics who have no interest in having children right now, I have found a kindred (bitter) soul. After she told me about their situation, I gave her a link to my blog, as well as a few other blogs in the community (hey, you ladies are awesome and I’m sharing you!). Apparently she sat and read through my blog, and today she said the most incredible thing to me: our situations are so different but the feelings are the same. Can I get an amen? Seriously. There are so many ways to join our “club,” so many situations, but the feelings are the same.

We all feel grief: That deep, soul-crushing grief that makes it hard to breathe and makes you wonder if you will ever be happy again. Whether you have never seen that second line or you’ve seen more than you care to remember while still sitting with empty arms, we all grieve the children we don’t have.

We all feel fear: Fear that we will never be parents. Fear that our spouses will give up on us. Fear that we are alone. Fear that we are going through all of the treatments, anxiety, money, etc. for nothing.

We all feel inadequacy: It might come from an inability to get pregnant. It might come from the feeling that your body keeps killing your children. None of us are fulfilling this basic human purpose, and that is really hard to swallow.

We all feel longing: We all see little babies and feel a deep longing. An emptiness in our wombs. We all long to be mothers–some of us more than anything else.

I know that many bloggers have written about pain olympics–the need some members of this community have to to show that they have it worse than anyone else. I even feel like there is an inherit pressure to constantly be anxious and miserable or you are a bad infertile or your situation is not as bad or painful as everyone else’s. Sometimes I feel like I need to prove my suffering through anxiety-ridden posts where I constantly talk about how much pain I am in. But the truth is, even if I will never experience what it is like to see that single line month after month, year after year and even if you will never experience what it is like to lose a precious life that was growing inside of you, the feelings are the same. We all feel the grief. We all feel the fear. We all feel the inadequacy. We all feel the longing. Sometimes it’s good to be reminded that we aren’t that different–that we share a common goal and that we are all feeling the pain of being kept from that goal.

The feelings are the same.

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4 responses to “The Feelings are the Same

  1. hopingonhope says:

    I hear you. One friend of mine who tried for a year before conceiving told me on my 1st miscarriage that I at least got to see 2 lines. Also, Another problrm with our infertile community is the feeling of false hope we give one other in the namre of being positive. Sometimes all we ask is a ear to hear us out, not motivation.

  2. pepibebe says:

    That is so true. I identify with everyone of the feelings that you list. Coming online and finding this community has been so important to me. I don’t know how I would have coped without it as I haven’t met any other people in a similar situation – lesbian, long term TTC, more than one MC etc.

  3. storkchaser says:

    It always amazes me how similar our feelings are no matter how different our situations, life experiences, backgrounds and beliefs are. Thanks for reminding me of that as I sift through new blogs looking for new connections. I’m glad you’re open with your journey. It’ll help you and those you come in contact with. Hugs to you, sweet lady.

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