Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…


on April 28, 2014

I am pretty open about our journey. I’ll tell just about anyone about our losses and what we have gone through. I do this for many reasons. I think the most important reason I am so willing to share is to combat the shame that comes with loss. Even if you don’t want to admit it, you feel a certain amount of shame and embarrassment when you suffer a loss. Your body failed and didn’t do what it was supposed to do. If you suffer multiple losses, you start to feel embarrassed that you failed so many times or that you were dumb/selfish/naive enough to keep trying even when all signs point to you not being able to have kids. I imagine this is also true for other forms of infertility. And if I don’t talk about it–if I treat it like it is something shameful that I don’t want other people to know about, then I am only feeding this belief. So I put it out in the open and readily share with anyone.

Truthfully, I also am just an open person in general. I’m fairly willing to share with other people–which can cause some problems as you can imagine. Sometimes I trust the wrong person with information and it comes back to hurt me. But despite that, I’ve accepted that as part of my personality. I’m not completely out–most people in my life don’t know about this blog–but I have even told a few people IRL about it.

One way that being open has been a huge blessing is that it connects me with other people. When I say something about our losses or mention the word infertility, it opens some other people. People who had stayed silent and felt alone. I connect and share stories. I am able to comfort others who are hurting and help them not feel quite so alone. It’s beautiful and encouraging.

But there is an ugly side to it. I can’t help but feel betrayed when I am open and share and I later learn that a friend was struggling and never told me. I think that I am fostering a relationship where others can feel safe to share, and I am really putting myself out there, and I am a little offended when others don’t do the same. I know that everyone is not like me, and I should be patient and understanding, but I’m not always patient or understanding. It’s something I’ve been struggling with after a friend that we have told all of our woes to and who implied that she wasn’t trying and really wanted to adopt got pregnant and admitted that they tried for two years. Why didn’t she trust me? I could have supported her. It’s hard to put yourself out there with all of your fears and feelings of failure and then feel like you don’t engender the same kind of trust.

Don’t misunderstand me. This is not a post complaining about people who aren’t like me. People who aren’t there yet. People who are still too afraid to speak. This is me being honest about my struggles–including my struggle to not internalize it and feel like there is something wrong with me when someone doesn’t tell me when they are facing some of the same problems I am.

Does anyone else struggle with this?


2 responses to “Sharing

  1. clwalchevill says:

    Yes, most certainly. I’ve struggled a lot with others who aren’t as open with me about their journey. Mainly because I see it as somehow there is reason to be ashamed about all we’ve been through. What I try to remind myself is that everyone is different and no one processes grief the same way. Still, it is hard to have someone come up to me after the fact and expect that I will automatically support they after the fact. There have been times where I’ve had to tell them that I’m sorry but I really couldn’t connect and that they need to find another outlet for processing their grief as I really can’t understand their approach. Makes me sound so selfish, but my approach is so different from their’s that I really feel I’m being fake by not telling them the truth.

    Keep sharing your story. As more people talk about infertility and loss, it becomes less taboo. And that is so important.

  2. Theresa says:

    Yup. You’re not alone.

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