Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…


on April 25, 2014

Try not to read too much into my silence. I’m mostly just really busy with school stuff–turns out getting your Masters degree in English literature means you have to do an enormous amount of reading, writing, and teaching. Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not complaining. As busy as I am and as stressful as school can be, I love it. It feels so good to have forward motion in my life when I spent so long feeling stuck. The rest of our life might still be filled with unknowns, but I know what my next year is going to look like. Class. Teaching. Reading. Writing. The library. I didn’t know I could feel so much comfort from these constants, but I do.

At the moment, I am at the end of the semester and feeling a little overwhelmed with final projects/papers. So I’m taking some time out from all of that to tell you about something that happened last month.

Last month we went to Atlanta to visit some good friends. I was talking to N about the adoption process and about people’s reactions to our choice to move on to adoption. I told her the most frustrating thing is how everyone says “You know what will happen as soon as you adopt.” Everyone I talk to is convinced that I will get pregnant after we adopt–even people who know that getting pregnant is not the problem for us. And they all make it a point to tell me that. After I told her about it, N really surprised me. She looked me straight in the face and told me that she doesn’t think that will happen–that she doesn’t think we will be able to have kids. At first I was really confused because I thought I should be upset or offended, but I wasn’t.

I felt…relieved.

She was the first person to confirm that there is a good chance that I won’t be able to have kids. Seriously, the first person. I felt like the pressure was off–like there was at least one person in the world who didn’t expect the impossible from me. One person who wasn’t setting me up to be devastated all over again when adoption doesn’t magically fix me. The first person to focus on the adoption and the child we will get through adoption instead of glossing over that to the future and the hypothetical babies I will start popping out after we adopt.

Why do we do that? Why do we all feel the need to give hope–even if hope is something that can be painful and detrimental? We do it in the blog world, too. I won’t lie–one of the reasons I quit posting about our process to figuring out what is wrong with me is because I kept getting well-meaning suggestions from readers who didn’t even bother reading old posts. I got tired of readers suggesting I take baby aspirin when I have posted multiple times about my severe anaphylactic allergy to aspirin.

My doctor has found something and has suggested a game plan, and we’re going to try it. But we still plan move forward with adoption because the plan might not work. And you know what? That’s ok.

I don’t believe all of the memes and the encouraging phrases about never giving up–that true strength is always picking yourself up and trying again. I think true strength is being able to recognize when you’ve had enough and being able to move on. The truth is that some women can’t carry a child and I might be one of those women. As much as it hurts, I am acknowledging that and looking at options to move on. That’s not weakness. And what I really need right now is for someone to support that and recognize that my choices are ok and that they reflect strength and determination.


9 responses to “Acceptance

  1. clwalchevill says:

    I’m going to counter you’re outlook about “true strength.” I do believe it’s definition, but not the way most people interpret it. I believe true strength is picking yourself and trying again. But by trying, I see it as trying to move beyond the waiting room; trying once again to find your path to resolution.

    What ever road you end up taking, I believe true strength comes from refusing to allow the darkness to take over, from choosing to love your life instead of giving up on it. We can’t control biology. Heck, we’re only just learning how little we actually know! But we can control how we go forward and I think we are doing awesome.

    • I think we agree, but maybe I wasn’t clear. My problem is with the interpretation that accepting that we might not have biological children and moving on to adoption is somehow “giving up” and that if we were stronger we’d keep trying to have biological children.
      Thanks for your comment–you seem to be verbalizing my thoughts better than I am. Maybe it’s the end of the year brain block.

      • clwalchevill says:

        Ah, I see now. Thanks for clarifying. Yes, it’s hard when others try to enforce that moving on to other roads is “giving up.” You and I both known it most certainly is not. But that’s why you need to trust yourself and, if need be, block out the bad advice. Because you are doing what is best for you and your family. And no matter what it looks like in the end, a family built with love is a beautiful thing.

  2. storkchaser says:

    You are simply amazing lady. I completely agree. Take care of yourself during all of the stress you have going on right now!

  3. ewagner123 says:

    Congrats on pursuing your degree! So amazing! I want to see more cute pictures of you and your happy face. How is your husband doing? Glad you’re moving forward with adoption and getting help from your doctor at the same time. I agree that accepting that you may not be able to carry a child is just fine. No need for false hope. No one knows what will happen in the future. Nothing is a given. Acceptance is a good place to be in.

  4. steph50 says:

    So good to read you again! I missed you. And whatever road you take, you are one strong lady!! Xox

  5. April says:

    Oh yes. We’re all raised on ‘you can do/be anything if you just try hard enough,’ but sometimes that’s just not so.

    It’s good to hear from you. *hugs*

  6. Rachel lewis says:

    “Why do we feel that we must always give hope…” excellent, thought-provoking post.

    And I’m so glad you have your friend N to support you and validate you.

  7. I guess it’s a natural human instinct to want to give hope and suggestions. Much harder to just sit with someone in their pain and uncertainty, but sometimes that’s exactly what’s needed. I’m glad you have a friend that was willing to do that, and I’m so pleased things are moving forwards for you. x

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