Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

See Life

on February 12, 2014

Two weeks ago hubby told me that a friend of ours died in a car wreck that morning. We hadn’t seen him in a while, but we used to hang out pretty regularly. He was a member of my husband’s volunteer fire department, he worked full time as an EMT in a neighboring county, he was on the rescue squad in our county, and he dreamed of being a medic for Lifestar. He was 20 years old. He dedicated his life to saving people and he died in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. We weren’t really close with him, but last week was the longest week of my life.  

Sometimes the world is a horrible dark place. Sometimes I’m afraid to walk out my front door. Sometimes it feels like my life is full of death. Sometimes I struggle to find the joy.

I’m not looking for sympathy or even encouragement. I’m just trying to figure things out. I’m trying to understand. Sometimes I ask myself if this is what being an adult is—learning just how unfair and scary the world is.

One thing I have learned is to cherish life. I tell my husband every day how important he is to me, and I’m learning to see through the brokenness of others in order to just appreciate them. Sometimes this isn’t a good thing because it can be crippling to be too aware of how fragile life is, and every once in a while I find myself fighting down the panic that something could happen to those I love. Because it could. I’m fully aware of worst case scenarios.

I guess it all boils down to trying to see life. I’m trying to see life. It’s hard because there is so much death, but I want to choose joy and see life. It’s a work in progress, but that’s where I am.

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2 responses to “See Life

  1. clwalchevill says:

    I’m so sorry about your friend. Thinking of you as you grieve.

    One thought: as someone who works with living systems, yes life can be fragile. But it can also be so robust, fighting to exist in what can be impossible conditions. Plants that grow in sidewalk cracks, crows and even those born too soon who over come the odds. I’ve seen the impossible fight.

    Yes, feeling surrounded by death is terrible and draining. It saps the will to keep fighting. Keep fighting anyway. Because the adoption process is about life and that resolve will be necessary as you go down this road.

    Thinking of you

  2. Lisette says:

    I’m sorry for the loss of your friend, that is so tragic.
    I understand so much your feeling surrounded by death and loss and being terrified of how fragile life is and wanting to so much to embrace life. I wish I knew how to do that too. Hopefully one day we can. Thinking of you xx

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