Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Moving Forward

on February 11, 2014

Thank you all for your kind and honest comments on my last post. I’ve tried hard to be honest in this space, and sometimes that means that my posts aren’t very pretty and show a side of me that I’m not comfortable with. I struggled for awhile with those feelings, and I didn’t want to write them because I didn’t want to upset bloggers who are pregnant or parenting because no matter how upset or angry I am about our situation and no matter how hard it is to feel left behind by those bloggers, I do actually care about them. I didn’t put any sort of disclaimer on my post because I wanted to be raw and honest and not apologize for my feelings, and I’m glad I did because it helped a lot and I don’t feel as stifled by this space now that I have said what has been on my heart for a long time.

One of the reasons I stopped was because I was tired of writing about infertility, pregnancy, and loss–I’ve been stuck in the cycle of pregnancy and loss for so long and I felt like I need some mental distance from it. And honestly, I still feel like that. But I do miss writing, and this adoption stuff is pretty overwhelming so I’m going to try to keep up with this blog by writing about adoption. I’m not sure how often I will be able to write because my workload as a funded graduate student is pretty heavy, but I do want to use this space to work things out, vent, celebrate, etc.

I also took the step to make an appointment with a counselor, which is something I’ve been talking about doing for over a year but never actually did. My school provides free counseling services for students, so I am meeting with someone tomorrow. If nothing else, I figured that the school counselor can refer me to someone who specializes in infertility/pregnancy loss  (I have already checked the Resolve website and there is nothing in my area). It’s a start.

Also, blogland, thanks for making me feel less alone. I know, logically, that I’m not the only one going through this and I’m nothing the only one who has had these feelings, but it’s nice to hear sometimes. You guys rock.

I’ll leave you with this. It’s one of my favorite songs because it is honest about pain but it also contains hope. Sometimes I just sit and listen to it on repeat:

“After The Storm”

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won’t rot, I won’t rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won’t rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That’s why I hold,
That’s why I hold with all I have.
That’s why I hold.

And I won’t die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I’ll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I’m scared of what’s behind and what’s before.

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

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3 responses to “Moving Forward

  1. steph50 says:

    Still sending lots of love your way!! Xoxox

  2. I’m glad you felt you could be raw and honest. I think that’s so important. I wasn’t upset by your post – except for feeling sad that you’re suffering so much.

    Beautiful song. Thinking of you. xx

  3. It’s your space, and being raw and honest is totally okay. Sending lots of love and hugs your way. I hope you find meeting with a counselor helpful. When I was at college, I saw a counselor a few times — the first one didn’t click with me so I tried a new one, and it was definitely very helpful. So give it a go and remember that you can try another one if it doesn’t work out; don’t give up on the whole thing. :)

    So sorry you’re going through this tough time. I saw your more recent post about the loss of your friend and I am so sorry you’re grieving his loss. Hang in there. Hugs.

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