Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

The Truth

on January 29, 2014

I have a lot of practical reasons why I’ve been so absent from this space. When I first started this blog, I was working a desk job with a lot of down time so I would write blog posts when I was waiting for the phones to ring at work. Since I started school, however, I am no longer in the position where I am stuck in front of a computer with nothing to do. Also, I spend so much of my time reading and writing now that at the end of the day, I just don’t want to write anymore. These are all good excuses for not being present in the blog world anymore. They are also just that: excuses.

The truth is that this space has been too painful for me ever since Tup died because it is much too lonely. For the longest time, this space gave me hope. I loved reading about my infertile bloggie friends’ pregnancies and watching IVF and rainbow babies grow up because I knew that one day, after I did my time, I would join those ranks. I thought about it, worried about it, even feared it, but I never truly believed that I wouldn’t be able to carry and birth children. I always saw our struggles as a season that we had to pass before emerging on the other side with a baby in our arms. But after two and a half years and five losses, I’m having to face the very real possibility that we may never have biological children. Even as we are filling out our adoption application, I’ve realized that I still believe that we will adopt a child and then I will have a successful pregnancy, but that is not realistic. Unless there is some change in medication, procedure, something, I don’t think that I will ever make it out of the first trimester–we can’t keep trying the same thing and expect different results. I’ve always heard that part of the adoption process is grieving the biological children that you will not have, but that is something that you cannot truly understand until you face it.

So as I am in the process of coming to terms with the fact that I may never carry and give birth to my children, I have reached a new level of intolerance for pregnant women. I feel nothing but anger and resentment when I see them, and I have no sympathy for the struggles that come with pregnancy. This means that not only am I having to deal with the anger I feel towards myself and my body for failing to protect my children, I’m also having to deal with the guilt that I feel about some of the hateful bitterness I feel towards others–some of whom I love dearly. Like our good friend who is an adoption lawyer and is helping us through this process in every way she can. She has been such a wonderful friend and support, but I can barely stand to look at her because she has a beautiful baby bump.

The worst part is how alone I feel. Especially in blogland. The place where I once I found comfort, camaraderie, and hope is now extremely painful. I’m fairly certain I can count on one hand how many of the blogs I’ve followed through this struggle that are still active and childless. Even the RPL blogs I follow are all carrying seemingly healthy pregnancies. And the number of pregnancies among my friends is almost unbearable. We started early trying to have children, so for most of our struggle, we only had a handful of friends have kids. Now I am facing pregnancy announcements on almost a weekly basis, and some of my friends are even having their second child. And where do I go to escape? Where do I go to vent and commiserate? This place doesn’t provide that for me anymore. I cheered on so many blog friends and celebrated their victories, and at some point, I was left behind.

So that’s why I don’t really write anymore. That’s why I don’t comment. Coming here is a chore. A reminder of all of my loss. I thought about starting an adoption blog, about creating a clean slate, but I’m still unsure. The truth is I would just like to feel less alone. Filling out all of this paperwork is daunting. And it’s hard. I’m having to dig up a lot of emotional baggage at a time that I’m already pretty fragile. And while I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never have biological children and filling out paperwork with tough questions where I have to write about things like the sexual abuse that I endured as a child, people just keep popping out babies and making cutesy announcements and I keep feeling more and more isolated.

That is the truth.

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9 responses to “The Truth

  1. April says:

    Hey. I get you. You’re not alone.

    It comes and goes for me, depending on what other bs is going on.

    I’m always here if you need someone to vent to, I promise.

  2. clwalchevill says:

    Though I would never say I know what you’re feeling, I remember all too well being in a similar space about a year and a half ago. It sucks be feel left behind; to have the dream of biological children die. And until someone has had to face it, it’s very hard for anyone to relate. After all, it is effectively a death you are facing, with the only difference being that you never got to hold/hug/interact with/share a life with the ones you are saying goodbye to.

    I’m so sorry this space has become tainted. That’s not right and something that I wish you weren’t experiencing. Though it may seem pointless now, please know that if you do chose to reclaim this space, there will be people who will support you and follow you. That we do understand the bitterness and anger you’re experiencing (and that it’s completely normal). And that we will help you the best we can as you prepare for your transition out of the crossroads and down this new path.

    Thinking of you.

  3. SM says:

    I’m so sorry, sweetie. So, so sorry. I’m still here and I’m still listening even if I don’t write as much any more. Sending light and love your way.

  4. I could have written this post hen, of my RL peers I am alone, and of the original gang of infs only myself and one other is still childless, so yeah I know how you’re feeling or at least I’m still playing in the same ball park. You aren’t alone, but that doesn’t make this any less lonely. Hugs and strength. Lou

  5. winterwonderland says:

    Hey, for what it’s worth…you’re not alone.

  6. steph50 says:

    I’m still here, too. Rooting for you, crying for you. Lots of love and hugs xoxo

  7. I’m still here, too. I understand that alone feeling—it is the worst. I understand when the blog feels tainted, too—have been there. Am hoping for you out here and wishing you so much peace. xoxo

  8. storkchaser says:

    I understand. Because we don’t have the insurance coverage or income to try other treatments, we probably won’t ever get to the IVF stage. After almost 3 years my hope has dwindled dramatically at times and I have faced the decision of stopping TTC and going straight to adoption. That is such a hard road. One that I am no longer ready to contemplate yet because I remember both the excitement and terrible heartbreak as my first deadline approached. Just remember that this space is yours to write as you see fit. There are wonderful adoption blogs to follow and you can unsubscribe to the blogs that cause pain. Or you can do what I did-put certain ones in a different email folder that you check when you’re in a headspace to read about bumps and babies. But I know how you feel. It feels so alone to be in limbo like this. Hugs to you!

  9. I’m so sorry for your losses. I know how incredibly painful it is watching everyone around you get (and stay) pregnant when you fear it will never happen to you – it must be a thousand times harder when you know you’ve come to the end of that road. If it helps at all, I know a few people who have had to grieve the fact that they can never have biological children, and who are now moving on to adoption or other paths. They say the pain does lessen in time. You’re not alone with this, even if it feels that way.

    If you need to not read my blog for a while, I understand.

    Thinking of and praying for you. x

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