Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Rambling

on January 6, 2014

I want to start by thanking all of you for your kind words of support and sympathy. I appreciate all of you more than you know.

This past week, it has felt like I’m experiencing so many emotions at the same time–at such a high volume, that I can’t actually feel any of them. Its like I can mentally point out each of these feelings in myself, but I’m completely numb, like my body knows that I can’t handle this again and is mercifully shielding me. There have been so many things that I’ve wanted to write about, but I can’t seem to find the words. But I know that there is healing in writing, so I’m going to give it my best shot. Here’s what has been in my mind, in no particular order:

Guilt This was my fifth miscarriage. Fifth. And, honestly, I’m starting to wonder at myself. I mean, at this point, each loss puts us at a greater chance for another, so how much longer can this go on before I’m responsible? How many times can this happen before I can say that I am consciously killing my children by selfishly conceiving them? I know that sounds terrible, and I’m probably not being fair to myself, but it’s something I can’t get out of my head.

Adoption Before I found out I was pregnant, we made plans to meet with a good friend who is a adoption lawyer for a consultation where we will discuss our options and figure out what direction we want to go. Our appointment is tomorrow, and we are ready. We have talked for years about adoption, and we now know without any doubt that this is the right path for us. Now we just have to figure out which direction we want to take. We’ve discussed the pros and cons of different types of adoption (foster, domestic, private, international), and that is mostly what we are going to discuss tomorrow, so I will update on this later.

Reflections on 2013 Last year I wrote a post where I was ready to say fuck off to 2012. It had been a really hard year with three losses, and I was so ready to move on and had so much hope for 2013. This year also had three losses. We lost Tup in June, we lost Molly in October, and we lost this little one at the very end of the year. Hubby was also dealing with a painful Crohn’s flair-up for almost the entire first half of the year. Between all of my failed pregnancies and Hubby’s illness, we spent most of the year drowning in medical debt and are still trying to work our way free of all the bills and collection agencies. It was another rough year. Yes, the year did have some positives, including my assistantship that allowed me to go back to school (although that has made our financial situation even more dire) and our sweet little Jack Jack, but I’m ready to move on. Things have to turn around for us sometime, right?

Prevention I’m trying to find out what to do about the months to come. My last tests showed a potential cause for these losses with a new treatment (a post for another time), but we are not on that path right now. We are ready to move on to adoption. I feel like we need to prevent for awhile, but I hate birth control and hubby hates con.doms, so what’s a couple to do? I know the copper iud provides birth control without the hormones, but it’s pretty expensive (see medical bills above) and it lasts ten years. Yes, it’s reversible, but that’s a lot of money to pay for long-term birth control only to have it taken out early. Any other ideas? I feel fairly confident that we could handle the family planning method, but after two and a half years of tracking my cycles while trying to get pregnant, I’m pretty much over it.

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5 responses to “Rambling

  1. steph50 says:

    During our last break from TTC, we did condoms or avoided sex during my fertile window. It kind of sucks, biut I found it much better then taking birth control. I’m hopeful you will get some answers and suceed, whatever path you chose. Thinking of you, friend. Xoxox

  2. I agree that you and your hubby really deserve a better year this year! It does have to get better sometime!

    Good luck at your appointment tomorrow! Big decisions to be made, and I hope and pray you have clarity and a sense of feeling you’re making the right decisions for your little family.

    As far as prevention, I think you’re right that it doesn’t really seem to make sense to do the iud. Tracking your cycle for the opposite effect, not getting pregnant, is a lot of work, but it seems easier than condoms. But that all depends on how often you do it, haha! Hope you find something that works for you!

    Looking forward to your next update! Thoughts and prayers are with you!

  3. It has been such a difficult year for you and I really hope 2014 is better. Good luck with your adoption meeting today!

    Re prevention, have you considered the cervical cap/diaphragm? I’m not sure if anyone even uses them these days, and they sound like a horrible faff, but it is a barrier method that your hubby wouldn’t need any contact with…

    M x

  4. Lisette says:

    You have been through so much. I understand very well how scary it is to go through loss after loss like that. After six I wasn’t sure I could go through it again. I’m still not sure. I hope so much this is a better year. Hugs xx

  5. Have you checked clotting issues? A lot of unexplained repeated miscarriages are not unexplained – they are just unidentified clotting problems that are solved with Clexan (no picnic, agreed, but better than a miscarriage).

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