Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

A Story of Love and Loss

on December 30, 2013

As I said before, Hubby and I have been NTNP (not trying, not preventing) since we lost Tup. I guess I had a stupid idea that if we got pregnant without actually trying then it would be “meant to be.” I’m amazed at how superstitious all of this has made me–I guess I need something to hold on to, so I hold on to these ideas.

On Thursday, December 5th, I couldn’t remember the last time I had my period. I thought it was during the first week of November, but I wasn’t sure. So I pulled out a leftover test, and it had the lightest second line I’ve ever seen on a test. I thought I was seeing things and potentially going crazy so I didn’t say a word to anyone. The next morning, I went and bought a digital test (and narrowly avoided my in-laws at the store), and there it was: “pregnant.” That night I went to movie night with my girlfriends from church and one of them announced that she was 14 weeks pregnant. When I got home, I told hubby about her pregnancy and mine. We decided not to tell anyone. Not our families, not our friends, not my blog readers.

I spent the majority of the next morning crying–mourning the loss that hadn’t even happened. Grieving as though the tiny baby inside of me already died. I thought that I had been doing well, but that was apparently not true because this pregnancy hit me hard.

But then I experienced something that had never happened to me before: everything went fine. I had a little spotting for a few days after the test (I’m assuming that was when my period was due), but after that, no spotting. No cramps. No warning signs. Nothing to obsess over (beyond the lack of morning sickness). Everything seemed fine. I made an appointment for an ultrasound last Thursday (the day after Christmas–so if things went wrong, it wouldn’t ruin the holiday), and we went with high hopes and low expectations, Tup’s ultrasound in the back of our minds. Once again in this pregnancy, I was blown away by the unexpected: the ultrasound was perfect. I was only measuring 6 weeks 1 day, which seemed a little behind because it had been 3 weeks since the positive test, but everything looked perfect and there was a beautiful, strong heartbeat. 144. I was in complete shock.

Hubby and I still hadn’t told anyone (except for his boss who knows about our history and guessed when hubby said he was going to an appointment with me), and we decided to wait until second trimester. Not because we were being superstitious or because we didn’t want to tell anyone if things went downhill, but because it had been so much less stressful when no one knew.

So there we were last Thursday with a perfect ultrasound and hope.

*This part is a little graphic. If this is a trigger for you, please skip to the next paragraph*
Yesterday I started spotting. It got heavier throughout the day and started turning red before I went to bed. I put on a large pad and as I tried to go to sleep, I could feel strong cramps and knew something was wrong–that we would lose this one too. I just knew. This morning at 4:30, I woke up and felt wetness in my pad. When I stood up, I knew it was over. I went to the bathroom and saw that I had passed everything–the pad was full of blood and clots and I could see my baby. My tiny, tiny baby sitting there. So I cleaned up all of the blood, took a shower, changed the sheets, and hubby and I sat on the bed, cuddled, and watched Harry Potter, numb.

I still feel numb. I don’t understand how everything could be perfect on Thursday and now I am empty. My fifth baby died today, and I don’t understand.


18 responses to “A Story of Love and Loss

  1. Theresa says:

    Oh no. I am so incredibly sorry. I was so excited at the beginning of your story and now my heart just aches. Many many many hugs to both of you, and your angels too.

  2. hopingonhope says:

    I dont understand how the universe can be so twisted. I am so sorry. Hugs.

  3. Oh darling. As long as I’m in this community I can never find the right words to say. “I’m sorry” isn’t enough and sounds so hollow-but it’s true. I feel a sorrow for you in my heart.

  4. steph50 says:

    My heart just broke for you, friend…. Xoxox

  5. Sadness, tears and heartbreak. We’re all here for you. Most of us reading this have experienced the same. However, it’s different for everyone but we know how you feel. I’m sending hugs your way. Saying sorry isn’t enough. We’ve never met, but I feel for you.

  6. April says:

    I’m so, so, sorry. I wish I could be physically there for you.

  7. clwalchevill says:

    I’m so sorry. Abiding with you today.

  8. I’m so sorry, hon. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. I wish there was more I could do. x

  9. ewagner123 says:

    I am shaking my head with my mouth open…. I am so sorry for your loss and sending you big, big hugs. BIG HUGS.

  10. expectantmummy says:

    I have just gone from feeling absolute joy and happiness to absolute devastation and heartbreak. I can’t begin to express how truly sorry I am for your loss. Prayers love and healing from all of us here xxx

  11. SM says:

    Oh sweetie I am so, so sorry. My heart hurts for you and the loss of another precious baby. I just don’t know what to say. I’m abiding with you.

  12. Amanda says:

    I’m so, so, sorry! There are just no words! Thinking of you and your husband today!

  13. pepibebe says:

    Thinking of you both.

  14. Lisette says:

    This is so heartbreaking and so unbelievably unfair. I’m so so sorry xx

  15. nonsequiturchica says:

    Despite the title I was so hoping for a good ending to this post. I’m so sorry that this keeps happening to you. Hugs.

  16. Annie says:

    I’m so heartbroken for you :( Hugs, thinking of you.

  17. kelbel says:

    Here from Sweetest in the Gale…I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

  18. Oh, honey. I’m so, so sorry. That’s so unfair. Sending big hugs to you.

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