Looking back at my blog, I realize that I didn’t post about my pregnancy. Not really. And I feel like none of you truly got a picture of what those four weeks (BFP to final ultrasound) looked like. So I’m going to try to show you.
As I’ve said multiple times, this pregnancy was different. I abandoned the typical infertile plan of trying not to get my hopes up or get too attached because it will hurt too much if things don’t work out. From the beginning, I truly believed that Tup would make it. I think I even had more hope than I did with my first pregnancy, even if I wasn’t nearly as naive about what could happen. I talked to Tup. I placed my hand protectively over my stomach. I made plans in my head.
One of my strongest memories is watering the garden one day. Hubby carried up five gallon buckets of water, and I took a small container and watered each little sprout. I marveled in the fact that I was surrounded by growth. I thought about how I was nurturing these tiny plants while my body nurtured little Tup. I told Tup all about the different vegetables we are growing and promised that next year, I would make baby food out of fresh veggies. I imagined working in the garden next summer with a baby strapped to my chest. I imagined working in the garden two years from now with an eager yet unhelpful toddler. I basked in the moment. The perfect moment.
As much pain as I am in, I am so thankful that I chose to believe in Tup. I am so thankful that I just jumped headfirst into attaching to my child. I am so thankful because I have no regrets. I told Tup that I loved him every day. Hubby kissed my belly goodnight every night. I did everything I could possibly do to not only keep myself rested and healthy, but to make sure that the very short time that Tup spent in this world, he was loved with a love so strong that it makes my heart hurt.
My heart is breaking, and it hurts so much I almost can’t stand it. But I know that pain is from love. And I can never regret love.