Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Never Regret Love

on June 4, 2013

Looking back at my blog, I realize that I didn’t post about my pregnancy. Not really. And I feel like none of you truly got a picture of what those four weeks (BFP to final ultrasound) looked like. So I’m going to try to show you.

As I’ve said multiple times, this pregnancy was different. I abandoned the typical infertile plan of trying not to get my hopes up or get too attached because it will hurt too much if things don’t work out. From the beginning, I truly believed that Tup would make it. I think I even had more hope than I did with my first pregnancy, even if I wasn’t nearly as naive about what could happen. I talked to Tup. I placed my hand protectively over my stomach. I made plans in my head.

One of my strongest memories is watering the garden one day. Hubby carried up five gallon buckets of water, and I took a small container and watered each little sprout. I marveled in the fact that I was surrounded by growth. I thought about how I was nurturing these tiny plants while my body nurtured little Tup. I told Tup all about the different vegetables we are growing and promised that next year, I would make baby food out of fresh veggies. I imagined working in the garden next summer with a baby strapped to my chest. I imagined working in the garden two years from now with an eager yet unhelpful toddler. I basked in the moment. The perfect moment.

As much pain as I am in, I am so thankful that I chose to believe in Tup. I am so thankful that I just jumped headfirst into attaching to my child. I am so thankful because I have no regrets. I told Tup that I loved him every day. Hubby kissed my belly goodnight every night. I did everything I could possibly do to not only keep myself rested and healthy, but to make sure that the very short time that Tup spent in this world, he was loved with a love so strong that it makes my heart hurt.

My heart is breaking, and it hurts so much I almost can’t stand it. But I know that pain is from love. And I can never regret love.

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9 responses to “Never Regret Love

  1. SM says:

    I’m sure Tup knows he was loved. Those times you spent with him were precious and you’ll never, ever regret that. Cling to those memories, sweetie.

  2. steph50 says:

    This is a beautiful post, my friend. I agree with SM, he knew he was loved and that you did evertyhing you could. Xoxox

  3. expectantmummy says:

    Tup knew he was loved and Im certain he loved you and his daddy right back. He was just too delicate for this world. He will watch over you in the garden next summer, and who knows either next summer or the ones after he may have sent another beautiful special little soul to hold your hand and your heart. I pray that one day you will bask in the sun with you child holding one hand and Tup spirtually holding the other. Mourn your loss, but not your love, no matter how briefly you have been a mummy and you still are. Thinking of you xxxxx

  4. Melanie says:

    Beautifully said.

  5. lydiaseeks says:

    This is wonderful…and puts so much pain in perspective.

  6. Cristy says:

    Just found your blog. First off, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. The pain is truly torture and I wish I knew what to say or do to lessen this for you. Your wisdom and insight during this time brings tears to my eyes, making it clear how amazing you and your angel babies are. Thank you for sharing this insight with us.

  7. Beautiful post, dear friend. I remember when you said you were watering those plants, and I, too, hoped you would see Tup grow along with those sprouts. His life was short but filled with love. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Prayers are with you, as always.

  8. Sarah says:

    I love this post….so true about love and little beans from the very beginning. Such a connection so early. So sorry you are hurting…hugs to you

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