Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Signs and Control

on February 8, 2013

February 14th was my second due date. I’m not writing this because I’m freaking out and upset (although I am sad). Instead, I’m writing it because I want to talk about the signs that we see in our desperation to have have some semblance of control in this crazy process of IF and loss.

When my mom was pregnant with me, her due date was February 14th (I ended up being born two days early, so I’m not quite a Valentine’s baby). When I calculated my due date with my second pregnancy and discovered that it was the same date, I just knew that the pregnancy would stick because look at the signs!!! It has to mean something!!!

The truth is, the signs are everywhere–especially if you are looking for them. Do you know how many rainbows you see in your lifetime? I’m pretty sure that number doubles when you are TTC after loss. After my first two losses, we had a very wet summer so I kept seeing rainbows. Each time, I knew it was a sign that the next pregnancy would stick, and we would finally get our rainbow baby. Spoiler Alert: that pregnancy didn’t last either. Even though I know that the signs mean nothing, I still look for them. I’ve spent the last week thinking if I’m pregnant, the baby will definitely stick because it’s meant to be. It couldn’t be coincidence that the one time we had sex this cycle was during my fertile period, right? It has to mean something, right? Somewhere in this big world, there has to be a sign that we will finally hold our baby, right? Right?

It think it all comes down to control. We cling to our signs because we want a guarantee that all of this struggle will eventually be rewarded, just like we cling to our peesticks to make us feel like we have some sort of influence on our cycle and the outcome. But you know what? There is no guarantee. There are couples who spend years and tens of thousands of dollars trying to have a baby and they see sign after sign after sign, and they still live child-free. There is no magical baby sign. I have no real control over the outcome of my next pregnancy. It sucks. I like to be in control, and it just kills me to know that I have no power when it comes to my pregnancies.

But it’s also beautiful.

If I can’t control the outcome, I also can’t be responsible for it. As much as I might beat myself up and loathe myself and my body after I have a miscarriage, the truth is that it’s not my fault. I see a lot of women on these blogs get upset at the lack of control they have over their outcomes and their lady parts. That is completely justified. But when you acknowledge the lack of control, you also have to accept that the blame doesn’t lay on you. Trust me, I’m talking to myself as well.

Will I get pregnant again? Probably. Will I be able to give birth to a baby? I have no idea. And no signs that I see will change that. At least I can take comfort in the fact that I’m not going to screw it up.


2 responses to “Signs and Control

  1. hopingonhope says:

    Thank you for this post. To be honest, I was crying at the end. Its true, and soo damn true :(

    • When I started writing this post, I intended it to be a “silly” post about the signs we see, but it got a little heavy…
      It is true, we all have to stop beating ourselves up and accept that we are not responsible for our IF and losses.

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