Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Not a Resolution

on January 29, 2013

I’m not a New Year’s Resolution kind of girl. Throughout the year, I try to be more mindful of stuff or improve on things, but I rarely set hard “goals” because I beat myself up so much and I have so much anxiety when I don’t achieve them.

Having said that, I have come to a realization that I have to stop comparing myself to other people. I know that this seems so obvious, but I really struggle with this. I compare myself to people who have more than me–women who are fertile and have no problems in pregnancy, people who make more money than me and don’t struggle to pay their bills, people who seem to have endless patience and compassion (or other enviable qualities), people who get to travel the world while I’m stuck in small town East Tennessee, etc. I also compare myself to people who are facing hardships that I am not facing (the “Oh my gosh, if it happened to them it could happen to me and I should panic about it” comparison). Either way, it makes me feel bad about myself, and if I would just stop comparing myself to others, I would see that my life is actually pretty great and I’m a good person who is worth knowing.

Today, one of the girls I work with came in our office and announced that she is pregnant. She actually announced it by grabbing my hand and putting it on her belly and beaming about having a baby. She went on to say the she got “fixed” three years ago because they were done having children, and she only has a .03% chance of getting pregnant. I just smiled weakly because I was so shocked and luckily she was too excited to notice that I wasn’t jumping for joy. After she told everyone in the office, one of my co-workers told her congratulations, and she responded with, “Yeah, I guess you could say that!” (because, you know, this wasn’t planned and was as prevented as you can get). My mind immediately went to a pity party–she has a .03% chance of getting pregnant because she had invasive surgery to prevent pregnancy and yet she is having a baby and I’m looking at adoption options. How unfair is that? It makes me want to scream and cry and throw a legit temper tantrum because I am just so angry at the unfairness of it.

Yet I can’t compare myself to her. I will make myself crazy and miserable if I compare myself to all of the people having babies. I have to just concentrate on myself–my health, my sanity, my marriage, and the options that are available to me. What can I do with what I have been given? Because no amount of envy or wishing or anger or longing or comparing is going to change what I have been given and make me like someone else.

So it’s not a New Year’s Resolution (because it’s almost February and I don’t do those anyway), but it is something I am going to try to work on. I’m going to concentrate on me and try to not feel like a failure when I am not accomplishing the same things as those around me or go into panic mode and live in fear when something terrible happens to someone else. I know that is easier said than done, but I think awareness is a good first step.

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12 responses to “Not a Resolution

  1. hopingonhope says:

    Oh dear! Pregnancy announcements are always hard. Please don’t be hard on yourself. I know its easier said than done, I do the same to myself almost every second day, but the fact is, this is reality. Unfortunately, we’ve been dealt with the shoddiest set of cards in the baby department and no matter how much we try or beat ourselves, there is not a darn **** we can do other than love our life for what it is.
    You are in my prayers and I hope you meet your rainbow baby soon.

  2. steph50 says:

    That’s a great resolution, friend. xox

  3. Theresa says:

    Ugggggh I’m sure I would have done the same. It’s so hard NOT to compare.

  4. SM says:

    It’s hard not to compare. I don’t think I would have react like you to a pregnancy announcement like that. It’s just so not fair. Hugs, sweetie!

    • Thanks, I love hugs :o)

      I think I was able to stay calm during the whole announcement because I really like this girl. She is so sweet to everyone and she doesn’t know about our situation.

  5. I’m so guilty of comparing myself to others. So unhealthy but I just can’t stop. But you’re right, it doesn’t fix anything. I love this part, “What can I do with what I have been given?” So good to remember!

  6. Eggs&Hope says:

    I know the feeling. I compare myself to others too and I really shouldn’t! I have a work colleague who is pregnant with her second baby (the first one is just a year old!) and all she does is moan all day. She thinks she’s the only woman to ever be pregnant or have children and just loves reminding us all day every day. Sometimes I have to stop myself from blurting out. ‘You don’t know how blessed you are to be a mother so just embrace it!’ I think the one positive thing I have learned from struggling to conceive, is that I will be more compassionate and understanding of others, as well as sensitive to the fact that any woman in any place may be battling what we are and to be careful what I say about pregnancy and babies etc.
    Sue
    X

    • I agree. I’ve already changed so much because of infertility, and I like to think that it will make me more aware of other people and the struggles they may be going through.

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