Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Insensitive Comments and a Sad Day

on January 15, 2013

Yesterday hubby’s volunteer fire department had their annual banquet. Despite being sickly, hubby insisted on going because he loves the department and the guys he volunteers with. In an earlier post, I briefly mentioned that one of the guys at the department just got married and a month after the wedding, he told hubby that his wife is pregnant. At the banquet, a few of us were talking with him and I asked him how he is enjoying married life. He told me that they are expecting a baby boy, and I had already braced myself for the announcement, so I handled alright, but I was really upset when he followed this announcement with “That’s right, I’ve got Olympic swimmers!” Seriously? Is that necessary? I was hurt and offended and we aren’t even dealing with male factor. I’ve learned so much since I’ve entered the IF/loss community, and one of the things that I have learned is how damaging a diagnosis of male factor can be on a man’s ego and self image. Honestly, I don’t see how these men do it, because a lot of men don’t announce pregnancy by talking about how excited they are to have a baby–they announce it by talking about how they are man enough to knock a girl up. I have never heard a women announce pregnancy and then say, “That’s right, my uterus is so much better than yours at sustaining life!” If I do ever hear that, I will punch her in the face. Last night we were in a big group of people, and there were a lot of excited high fives and cheers so I kept my mouth shut, but I feel sick every time I think about it and my heart breaks for men who have to put up with that when they are already down.

In other news, my pregnancy twin had a baby girl this past weekend. I’m going to refrain from further comment on this because it will be petty and unfair.

Also, today was the due date of my first pregnancy. I wanted to write a whole post about this, but I’m still processing, and I don’t need to tell this community about how today makes me feel.

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15 responses to “Insensitive Comments and a Sad Day

  1. Mmmmhkay that would piss me off, too. We’re dealing w/ male factor (vasectomy which was reversed, which didn’t work) so I’d have had a hard time not glaring at the guy and congratulating him for achieving something as unremarkable as having an orgasm. (Yes I am bitter much). I just don’t see the need to congratulate oneself on being able to recreate as if any of us were actually a) involved on a macro level and b) in charge of the whole process and most importantly c) morally/physically superior to those who can’t.

    Now onto more important things. I am sorry your due date just passed. Very, very sorry. That must be hard. Mine would be May 22. I hope you got some quiet time for reflection and were able to grieve.

    • I’m going to have to agree 100% with c. It’s hard enough not to feel like a failure on a basic, biological level without stupid, competitive comments.

      I did take some time to myself last night and it was good. I was not as much of a mess as I thought I would be–I was a *complete* mess last week when my due date was coming up and I was on progesterone supplements. While I’m taking them, I always think about how I’m not having any symptoms and its great–then afterward I look back and wonder how I didn’t see how crazy I was acting.

  2. hopingonhope says:

    Absolutrely agree with “expecting to be expecting”. You should have high fived that he could have an orgasm. What a total jerk!! Take care dear. Due dates are always hard on us.

  3. caringdoula says:

    I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this. That guy obviously needed to stroke his ego. What he should have done was praise his wife if he was going to praise anyone at all, not himself. My sister is about to go through her third round of IVF because her husband is infertile and he has had a painful past. I just wonder if this Mr. Orgasm is also sexist, meaning would he have made that comment if he was having a little girl instead of a boy? I HATE guys like that!!!!! HATE THEM! Anyway, idiots like that don’t deserve a second thought.

    I hope you are in the healing process and that you have a good support system, Don’t let the negativity of others get to you. Prayers to you!

    • I don’t know him that well. He’s a very good firefighter and a big mentor for my hubby so I was making a effort to get to know him and the more I know, the less impressed I am.

      I wondered the same thing about him being as excited about a boy.

      Thanks for the prayers. They are needed and appreciated :o)

  4. steph50 says:

    Stupid boys… I’m sorry about your due date… Lots of love and hugs for you xox

  5. ewagner123 says:

    Barf. Can’t believe he said that! I take it his wife wasn’t there next to him. I would have punched him the balls then said how are your swimmers now?

    Hope you did ok on your due date.

  6. I remember when Hubby had to go get tested, it was such a blow to his ego. I know he always assumed there was something “wrong” with me (not in a hurtful way) but when they said it may be him, I saw a change in him. Like women have that perceived notion that we put on ourselves that it is our job to sustain pregnancy, men also have that idea that it is their job to be able to get us pregnant. It may not be discussed openly among civilized people (unlike Mr. Uncouth) it is very connected to their self worth. I’m sorry this guy was an utter douchebag. Thinking about you during this tough time

    • ivfmale says:

      Being diagnosed with male factor is a very big blow to our ego. We grow up thinking everything is fine and take for granted our fertility since everything “appears” to work. Only after committing to starting a family do we find out about our issue and it is a huge blow to our masculinity.

      With my first wife, I too thought the problem was with her. She had severe pain in her abdomen, although the doctor’s never found any endometriosis, I figured whatever was causing that pain was preventing pregnancy. We were focusing more on managing her pain than getting pregnant so we never consulted with any fertility specialists.

      My current wife was pregnant once before and miscarried. After a year of TTC unsuccessfully, I figured the problem was mine. Still was devastated finding out that my hunch was correct.

  7. ivfmale says:

    Six months ago comments like this guys would bother me. Now I pity them for their ignorance.

    If this man knew one of his coworkers had male factor infertility and made this comment, total douche bag. But given he was just talking out of his ass for a lack of anything better to say, he’s just an idiot.

    For me, life’s more important that worrying about the words coming out of an idiots mouth. If the person has any redeeming qualities you can try to educate them, otherwise just ignore them.

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