Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Fear vs. Hope

on January 7, 2013

Infertiles deal with a lot of fear. During my journey, I’ve been afraid that I wouldn’t get pregnant, afraid that I would miscarry, afraid that I would miscarry again, afraid that we would never have children, afraid that I wouldn’t be able to function after multiple mc’s, afraid of BFN’s, afraid of BFP’s, afraid that my friends would move on without me, afraid that there is something seriously wrong with me, afraid that hubby will give up on me, etc. Fear is just a huge part of this whole process, and it is something I have been struggling with a lot. There is one big fear that has been consuming me for months.

I’m terrified of hope.

Terrified.

I’ve been apathetic and disconnected. I’ve used reason and stuck to the facts, writing lists and making back-up plans. I’ve mentally beaten down any symptom spotting. I hesitantly post about our plans, thinking they sound too naive and unrealistic, but they are met with so much enthusiasm. I get comments full of smiley faces and exclamation marks, and it reminds me of how far I have fallen from hope. I am so grateful to have this community to be hopeful for me because I seem to be incapable of it right now. It’s like I’ve been in the darkness too long and can’t stand to be in the light because it is so painful.

But at some point, I have to let myself hope again.

I have a beautiful friend who always seems to understand my heart, and she told me a few months ago that I have to stop prophesying disaster over myself. She’s right. This is no way to live. The question is, how do you move away from the fear and allow hope back into your heart? Are there maybe some magic sunglasses that make the transition from the cave into the light a little easier?

I noticed yesterday that I was spotting. I’m pretty sure yesterday was 9 DPO, and I have only had mid-cycle spotting three times before. Two of those times, I was pregnant. Ever since I saw it, I’ve been using all of my mental and emotional energy trying to suppress hope, and it is exhausting. Would it be too much to hope that this is our month? Would it be too much to see the spotting as a good sign of implantation? Would it be too much to pray that we get a BFP and our take home baby? Would it be too much to hope that this year will be different–full of joy instead of pain?

Thanks you for leaving encouraging and enthusiastic comments–they help more than you know. I hope I can feel that same enthusiasm soon.

 

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11 responses to “Fear vs. Hope

  1. steph50 says:

    Hang in there, sweetie! xox

  2. Come on implantation bleeding!!

  3. ewagner123 says:

    I hope you have a sticky baby in the works!!! When are you testing??

  4. Kristin says:

    Thinking of you and sending lots and lots of sticky vibes!!

  5. I so know how you feel. I have only ovulated once and coincidentally been pregnant once (that same cycle) so this cycle has been so confusing for me bc I have felt almost every single symptom I felt last cycle again this cycle and I keep wrestling with myself wondering if its because I’m pregnant again (?) or just bc I actually ovulated again?? I know I for sure ovulated bc of my progesterone level but is all this stuff normal for every cycle or am I infact pregnant again?? Ahh I just want to know!!! lol!! I too am terrified of seeing a BFP since my RE has told me that there is a 50/50 chance I could miscarry again since I ovulated past CD20 (apparently women with PCOS have a higher percentage of miscarrying if you ovulate after day20) However this cycle ends, with the help of my husband, I have realize there is nothing wrong with hoping!! I so hope this cycle is it for both of us and we get our take home baby soon!!! ….after all, nothing harmful about hoping right?! ;) thinking of you constantly!!

  6. ivfmale says:

    Too often in this struggle we’ve found ourselves filled with hope after some good news only to have it snatched away and crushed before our eyes. You don’t fear the good news, you fear the bad news we now expect to follow any good news.

    My fingers are crossed that you will receive good news that sticks around for 9 months. ;)

  7. Arwen Rose says:

    I am hoping for you, good luck!

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