Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Christmas

on December 4, 2012

I know that many people in this community have a really hard time with the holidays, and I totally understand that. Everyone who has suffered through infertility or a loss (or multiple losses) has a right to be a Grinch during the holiday season, but I wanted to write a little post about why I love the holiday season–even if it is a difficult time.

For years before I got married, I hated the holidays–mostly because it was family time. To me, the holidays were a time for arguing, crying, door-slamming, etc. I spent every Christmas season counting down the days until I could move back into my dorm room at school. Then I got married, and Christmas meant decorating our home, making fudge with hubby, snuggling next to the Christmas tree, hopeful Advent services at our church, and time with the man I love. The definition of “family time” shifted to something quiet, comforting, and lovely. Once we got married, Christmas became my favorite time of year, and I just can’t shake the feeling of hope that always comes with it. Yesterday, hubby and I decorated the tree while drinking hot cider and watching It’s a Wonderful Life, and that just seems to sum up Christmas time for me.

Yes, there have been times that I have been sad. I can’t help but think about how I should be eight months pregnant right now, taking adorable belly pictures in front of the Christmas tree and preparing our home not just for Christmas, but for the arrival of our child. Sometimes I feel like I’m surrounded by reminders of my three failed pregnancies. But I’m also surrounded by hope. Hope that, one way or another, we will have a child next Christmas. Do I know that for sure? No. But I’m hopeful.

I hung three of these ornaments on the tree this year, beautiful reminders of the children we will never know but will always love:

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7 responses to “Christmas

  1. hopingonhope says:

    I love your spirit, I am hopeful for you too. A heartfelt prayer that next Christmas you have your bundle of joy in your arms. You so deserve it. Happy holidays..

  2. So glad Christmas is a beautiful time of hope for you and love all things Christmas like tree decorating, warm cider, and it’s a wonderful life. Sounds lovely. I hope you receive your ultimate Christmas present next year!!! Sending blessings upon this Christmas season of yours!!!

  3. Lya says:

    Beautiful post!
    I love the way you are surounded by hope and good spirit and that you get to enjoy this special time of the year with your husband, your family.
    I’m sure the three ornaments are beautiful.

  4. Katie says:

    The “I should be” this far alongs are tough. We have three ornaments too, they are the perfect touch to remember them.

  5. SM says:

    Beautiful post! We have three ornaments too. I just bought a fourth one last week. I should be waddling around the tree, putting up just three ornaments with my huge belly. Instead, I bought one more for our fourth lost baby. Christmas is tough but this year I’m trying to be happier. Thanks for reminding me of the hope that Christmas can bring!

  6. I like the idea of the ornament. I can’t see what it looks like because the picture link isn’t working anymore, but when I was reading your post about Christmas, I thought to myself that I should also get an ornament in honor of my lost baby.

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