Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Stuck

on November 27, 2012

I’m feeling a little guilty about my lack of posts lately, but I promise that I’ve been here reading all of your posts and even doing quite a bit of commenting. I have a few different things to post about, but I think I’m going to divide them up into different posts so I don’t overwhelm you. I’ll probably write them all today and release them throughout the week so I can hold you captive with the suspense.

I briefly mentioned in my last post that I feel stuck right now. After my last mc, I went to see my midwife who suggested that we wait six months before TTC again, and she also offered to refer us to either a high risk OB or a RE. She also ran a bunch of blood tests which of course came back normal. It has now been three months, and I have not gone to see anyone else.

There are a lot of reasons for this. The biggest one is money.

I live in a state where all infertility testing and treatment is completely out of pocket, and hubby and I really don’t have that money to spend. We’re still paying off the bills from my first mc which cost us about $1,000 with insurance. I usually don’t tell people that we don’t have the money for a RE because inevitably, they always tell me that kids are expensive and if we are worried about money, maybe we shouldn’t be having kids anyway. Needless to say, this really upsets me. We are very careful with our money–we don’t have cable, we rarely eat out, and we go without some things that we would like to have so that we can work on paying off school loans and other debt. We have enough money for a kid. We won’t have enough money for a kid if we spend thousands of dollars on a RE. Part of me keeps saying that it could be something small, an easy fix, and then I could carry to term and we could finally have our beautiful rainbow baby. But I am quickly losing my faith in small, easy fixes. IF and loss treatments can accelerate so quickly, and I honestly don’t know how far we would be willing to go once we get caught up in the rush of tests and treatments–I don’t know if I am willing to open that can of worms. We already have student loans and a mortgage, and we really can’t afford to acquire any more debt right now. Especially when we have no idea if we will get a baby in the end.

So we’re stuck. We just can’t move in that direction right now. Maybe in a few years after we pay off a few things and get better paying jobs. You know, when I’m thirty and my chances of getting pregnant start rapidly decreasing. Which is so fucking unfair. I just want to scream and cuss and curl up in a ball and cry at the injustice of it.

So hubby and I have decided to try one more time with just the progesterone supplements. We have talked about it over and over again and we always end up in this same place: trying one more time without seeing a specialist. After that, we are moving to plan B. (Actually, I think it’s plan G. Plan A was getting pregnant immediately without any problems. Plan B was getting pregnant by charting. Plan C was having a healthy first pregnancy. Plan D was having a healthy second pregnancy. Plan E was having a healthy third pregnancy. This would be plan F, but that makes it sound too hopeless.) Also, that whole six month wait thing isn’t happening. We are waiting three cycles, then jumping back in the game. That sounds reasonable to me, and that means we’ll be trying again in a few weeks.

Are we crazy for attempting this again without seeing an RE? Please say no. Lie to me. Also, does anyone else have problems with people saying that you can’t afford children if you can’t afford testing and treatment? Does that piss you off beyond all reason?

Stay tuned: more on hubby, sexy time, and Plan G later this week.

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20 responses to “Stuck

  1. hopingonhope says:

    Firstly, if someone tells you that if you are worried about money, don’t have kids, I would kick them in the face.
    Secondly, RE or no RE, do what your heart tells you to do. I wish you the very best and you are in my prayers.

    • You would be surprised how often that happens. It’s almost always from someone who is fertile and at least ten years older than me.
      Thanks, all prayers are greatly appreciated.

  2. Kristin says:

    Let me guess, the people spouting off about money and kids were fertile people that conceived for free. I would kick them in the face, too. Whatever decision you make moving forward, I hope you can do so with conviction and peace.

    • How did you know? They are also usually at least ten years older than me, so that adds in the “you’re too young to understand the consequences of your actions” aspect. I wish kicking them in the face was a legal option…
      Speaking of spending outrageous amounts of money, I think it is totally awesome that you posted about the cheapest places to get fertility drugs. It is also super awesome that you are pregnant and don’t need that list anymore. I’m super excited for you :o)

  3. ewagner123 says:

    No, you’re not crazy for trying without an RE. What did people back in the 1800s do? They kept trucking along on the prairie without a specialist to help them along. But seriously, I’m excited for you to try again. As long as you get prenatal care, that’s fine! Start taking prenatals now if you’re not already… maybe throw in some Royal Jelly to help with egg quality. (IDK) Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks about money or anything else. It’s your body and your family.

    • I’ve been on prenatals since September 2011. Although I did get pissed off and stop taking them after my 3rd mc, so I’ll start them again tonight. We never tried royal jelly, maybe we should–as long as it can’t hurt my body or my bank account, I’m all for it!

      • ewagner123 says:

        I took it one cycle to help my egg quality… I don’t see how it could hurt. I don’t think it was expensive either. But I’m no doctor!!! Oh and maybe try some Red Raspberry Leaf tea to help with lining… There is sooo much to try…. but I wouldn’t stress over that. I think the progesterone is the most impt. GL

  4. Amanda says:

    I like hoping-on-hope’s response to kick them in the face! I HATE when people say that… seriously, when was the last time the parent of a toddler shelled out $1500 a month for their kid, or better yet $15,000? We all get that babies are expensive, that diapers don’t grow on trees, and kids need college funds, we are infertiles, not morons.

    My husband and I have definitely been there, and believe me, you do get swept up fast. We thought an IUI would cost about $1000 a month, when we found out it was more like $1700, we figured what’s $700 more for a baby? But then 3 IUI’s didn’t work so instead of $3000, it was $5100, and now we’re looking into saving for IVF… we only started seeing an RE in August. Swept away is the understatement of the century. Good luck with whatever you decide.

    • “We are infertiles, not morons” made me laugh out loud–which I really needed :o) I have one friend who goes on about how she wants to quit her job and stay home, but having a baby is too expensive and I really want to point out to her that she doesn’t have to buy every baby product she sees. I’m convinced they aren’t as expensive as people make them out to be. Especially not compared to IF treatment!

      I get so sad when I hear stories of people spending that kind of money without success. I will definitely keep you in my prayers.

  5. SM says:

    I have been seeing an RE for a while now, but we were never able to afford anything more than timed intercourse along with some bloodwork and ultrasounds thrown in. We did eventually get better insurance and we are in our very first Clomid cycle. Five years of TTC and we are just now using Clomid. Crazy, right? I’ve only had one person ever tell me the “if you can’t afford it” line. I had to leave the room because I would not have been very nice or gentle with him. He and his wife are plenty fertile, by the way.

    Good luck with starting Plan G! I sometimes feel like we’re on Plan X by now. It really sucks. Hugs!

    • I don’t feel so behind now. I was starting to feel a little like an outsider because I don’t have a RE or take fertility drugs, and I’ve never had any procedures done.
      Good luck on plan X!

      • SM says:

        Thanks! I’ve had hystero and sono done too but that took months of saving up to do. Don’t feel so bad! You’re definitely not an outsider. Welcome to this crappy club!

  6. steph50 says:

    Go Plan G!! You’re not crazy, don’t worry. Have you tried baby Aspirin? If you’re not allergic to Aspirin, to my knowledge, there’s no harm for you to take some.
    Hang in there, friend :)

  7. Theresa says:

    People are stupid. That’s all I have to say about that.
    In my book, plan G stands for GO! :)

  8. storkchaser says:

    Uuuugh. I’m having issues commenting on my phone. :( Anyway, I know some doctors will bill blood work and ultrasounds through insurance add routine care, not infertility. My RE does that. Also, my insurance doesn’t cover infertility (shocking for California, right?!) so we are only doing Clomid, HCG shots and timed intercourse. For one cycle we pay $94. Target charges $5 for a month of Clomid! So my suggestion is to look for a RE that is somehow affiliated with the hospital your insurance is under. Good luck sweetie and just follow your heart!

  9. Arwen Rose says:

    Kick them in the face from me too. Assholes.

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