Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

There is Healing Here

on November 6, 2012

Hello beautiful ladies :o)

I apologize for my absence lately, hubby has been sickly. You all don’t know this, but when the hubby is sickly, it is a big deal because is very rarely sick. I think he has thrown up three times since I met him seven and a half years ago: once he was drunk, once he had a ruptured appendix, and once he had a stomach bug. He is one of those people that can somehow suppress it, put his sickness in the back of his mind, and continue to do what needs to be done. So when he called me Friday and told me that he left work to go to the doctor and they were not allowing him to drive himself home because he is too ill, I knew he felt like death. Apparently, he had some sort of stomach bug and was severely dehydrated (to the point that he almost passed out at the doctor office). So I’ve been playing nurse since Friday, and I am happy to report that as of yesterday, he is feeling much better and participating in his normal activities again. I know he’s not 100% yet, but he definitely looks and acts like he feels a lot better.

I have so much to tell you ladies. First, I have finally started listening to the Bitter Infertiles Podcast. I feel like I have been living under a rock because it took me so long to start listening, but every time I would read a post about it, I would be at work where I couldn’t listen. So I finally started listening at home, and I love listening to these women because I feel like they really verbalize everything that is on my heart. I started at the beginning and I’m about that start episode six. The podcasts are fairly lengthy and they can get heavy, so it’s taking me some time to catch up. Listening to these women has helped me realize and confront some stuff, like my husband’s grief and my need for someone to acknowledge that I am a mother who suffered a terrible loss. They have also inspired some good conversations between hubby and me, and we have made some important decisions:

First, we want to have some sort of service to say goodbye to our children. One thing that is so terrible about miscarriage is the lack of closure. Normally when you lose a child, you have a funeral and grieve with friends and family, but we never got that. So we are going to have a small service, light some candles, say a few prayers, and say goodbye. There are a few people we want to invite, but it’s going to be very small and intimate because this is really about hubby and me healing and moving forward with our lives. We need to honor our children before we can talk about trying again.

Next, we are going to look into counseling. Hubby seemed surprised and uncomfortable when I first mentioned this, but we decided to try it. I think he’s only agreeing because he wants to help me, but I also think he will still benefit from being there.

Needless to say, we have had some difficult and significant conversations in the past week. While it has been emotionally exhausting and uncomfortable, I feel like we are more open with each other now and more aware of each other’s feelings. For example, hubby and I have started becoming friends with another couple in the fire department who got married last month, and I was excited to be friends with another fireman’s wife. Yesterday, hubby told me that she is pregnant, and I just broke down and cried. Hubby acted like this was a totally normal and expected reaction to that news, and I knew that he understood how I felt. I knew he felt that way too.

So that is where we are right now. It’s not a very pleasant place to be, but I think there is healing here.

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8 responses to “There is Healing Here

  1. steph50 says:

    I’m glad you and your husband are taking steps towards healing! It takes time, but we do heal… xox

    P.S : I’ve nominated you for the Leibster Award on my blog if you’re interested :)

  2. Jenn says:

    1. Happy to hear your hubby is feeling better.

    2. I’m even happier to hear you are on the path to healing. Our hearts are more resilient than we give them credit for–you can do these. it doesn’t mean you have to let you babies go. It just means that you have to love them in a different way in order to make room in your heart for new life. I’m always here for you if you ever need to chat. xoxo

  3. Theresa says:

    Infertility can sure rip the soul out of people and relationships. I’m so glad you’re finding some healing, even if its difficult right now. I hope you’ll share your ceremony for your babies with us.

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