Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

How many times can my heart break before it can’t be pieced back together?

on October 29, 2012

I have been getting better. I really have. I’ve been dealing with things in what I consider to be a healthy way, and I’ve seen progress. At least I’m not collapsing on the floor in tears anymore or taking multiple showers a day (when I’m really upset, I take a shower). I’m not sleeping great, but I like to attribute that to living in the allergy capital of the country. I’m dealing and moving on and not constantly thinking about babies or my inability to grow them. I’m getting better.

Or at least, I was.

This is really hard for me to talk about, but I’m going to channel Belle from Scrambled Eggs who really inspires me with her openness. Lately she has written quite a few posts and prefaced them with a paragraph about how hard they are to write, but she always comes back saying how glad she is that she opened up. And, honestly, who else am I going to talk to about this? So here goes nothing: hubby and I have had a problem. A sexy problem. I’ve noticed a major decline in how often we have sex. Not only that, I’ve noticed that I am the only one who initiates it, and nine times out of ten, hubby politely declines my come ons. I’ve talked to him about it a few times, but he always says that he is very tired from working full time and doing fire academy or he isn’t feeling well or some other excuse and I always feel like he is avoiding telling me something. This has been going on for a couple of months, and it has taken a major toll on my self esteem. I miss the emotional connection that comes from sex, so I started getting braver and putting myself out there a lot more, but this extra effort didn’t work which left me feeling even worse because I was trying so hard to seduce my husband and getting rejected. I was starting to wonder if he still found me sexually attractive or if my *ahem* performance left something to be desired because, let’s be honest, what guy turns down head every time? So last night when we went to bed I asked him, again, what’s going on, and I wasn’t stopping until I got the truth. And I got it. And it broke my heart. Here is the general idea of the conversation, after much back and forth:

Hubby: I just haven’t really been in the mood lately.

Me: Why?

Hubby: I didn’t want to talk to you about it because I knew it would upset you.

Me: Well, I’m already upset and now you have to tell because I know something is wrong.

Hubby: Well, I just haven’t been in the mood because I’ve been sad.

Me: What do you mean? Why?

Hubby: Because everyone is having babies.

***Very long pause***

Me: You don’t want to have sex with me because you’re upset about the fact that we can’t have a baby right now?

Hubby: Yeah. I try, but whenever we start to get in the mood, I think about babies and I don’t want to do it anymore. I didn’t want to tell you because I knew it would upset you and it’s my job to take care of you and help you not be upset.

So many bloggers have said that their breaking point was seeing their fertility issues upsetting their hubbies, and now I understand. I hate this so much. And I have no idea how to handle it. I can just feel my heart breaking over and over again. I keep going back and forth between feeling completely devastated and feeling numb. Tears keep brimming every few minutes at work, and I can’t really think about anything else. Yesterday (before this monumental conversation), I shredded some cheese for hubby’s chili when we discovered that we only had block cheese and he said, “What would I do without you little wifey?” and I think I said, “Well, you would be cheeseless, wouldn’t you?” but what I was thinking was, “You would probably have a baby.” I didn’t realize at the moment just how spot on I was. I know it’s not fair to beat myself up like this, but I am feeling so lost. I don’t know how to even begin dealing with this.

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8 responses to “How many times can my heart break before it can’t be pieced back together?

  1. Belle says:

    Oh sweet bloggie friend, I’m so sorry you guys had this talk. Hard as it is, it is also important for your husband to talk about his feelings. We have each other, this community, support groups, therapists, etc. Much too often the husbands are forgotten about. Of my friends who ask about my loss and infertility very few ask about my husband. Would he be open to you guys seeing a counselor together to both heal? Not to specifically for the sex issue (although that is a part of it) but for the shared burden of loss and infertility? It might be very good for him to be able to speak in a save environment. And then you both work to assure one another you are in this for the long haul? Just a thought. I’m here if you need anything and keeping you in my thoughts. xoxo

    • Thank you so much for your kind words, friend. It made me cry (in a good way). I know this was an important step for us both to heal and move one, but that doesn’t mean it was any easier to hear. And I have tried to get him to open up about it before, unsuccessfully. I guess the biggest thing was that it caught me off guard. I think I am going to talk to him about counseling–we could both benefit from it.

  2. Oh boy this sounds like a heartbreaking conversation. Please try not to beat yourself up. I don’t have any wise words for you….just hugs.

  3. ewagner123 says:

    Big hugs. That is so hard… I am getting choked up for you right now. TTC sex SUCKS. Big time… and even if you aren’t ATTC right now it can still put a strain. While it hurts to hear your DH say those things it is very good that he told you and opened up! Way to go! Keep talking to him about it without forcing the issue. Now that you know what’s wrong you can work to fix it. Try some snuggle time and talk it out. Everything will be okay. Good luck.

    • Thank you friend. I was actually really surprised at how TTC has affected our sex life, even when we are taking a break from it. Obviously, the point is that this is really affecting the hubby and that upsets me and its not really about the sex, but gosh, I do miss the sex! At least there are still lots of snuggles. Snuggles are the best.

  4. Amanda says:

    Right there with you sister… our sex life is TTC sex and that is IT. I have to send out text alerts to inform him ahead of time that tonight is “go time” so I don’t get blown off when I try to make my moves later. It’s an awful feeling. We’ve had lots of conversations about it, but no breakthrough moments about what is going on.

    I’ll second Belle, maybe this is something to talk to someone about (myself included). Hope good days are ahead!

    • The thing that makes it that much more frustrating is the fact that we aren’t TTC right now. We are on a medically imposed break, so you would think that we are going wild and enjoying the “fun sex” while we can, but that’s not really happening.
      I think that I will talk to hubby about counseling. As much as I hate to admit it, it would probably help us quite a bit.
      Hope you and your hubby have some sort of breakthrough soon–your story about the texts has so much truth to it.

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