Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Worrying about my lack of worry

on October 3, 2012

Over the past two weeks or so I’ve noticed something about myself. The obsessing, the worrying, the despair is missing. When I think about TTC, I don’t freak out. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to create, carry, and birth a child, and if I will, I have no idea when that will be. It will be months before we will even start TTC again. As you have seen in previous posts, this fact usually throws me into counting fits where I calculate the soonest we could have a baby. How old will I be then? What are my life plans then? How old will BFF’s son be? (I try not to compare, but she was three months preggo when we started TTC and it gives me a point of reference, albeit an unhealthy one). Usually, when I think about our journey thus far and what all the future could possibly hold for us (tests, procedures, more mc’s, no baby), I am a quivering ball of anxiety and panic who can’t function on a normal level due to the crippling worry and fear. But that hasn’t been the case the past two weeks or so.

I noticed this change last Thursday. That was the day we were supposed to go hear the heartbeat, and of course, we didn’t. And I was so calm and zen about it. If I could use one word to described how I’ve felt, it would be content. I have a wonderful husband and life and maybe babies just aren’t in the cards for us right now. Waiting could even be a really good thing because that might give hubby the opportunity to find a full time fire job, allowing me to stay home. Molly will have the chance to grow up a little, meaning I won’t have to chase the most hyper puppy in existence whilst pregnant. We can pay off a few things and add a little cushion in our savings. I am calm and rational and ok with where we are in life right now, and to tell you the honest truth, it is freaking. me. out.

It all started with a pretty intense prayer session with some close friends two weeks ago. I know some of you aren’t religious, and it’s ok if you are rolling your eyes at me right now. My most ardent request during this prayer session was that I would stop asking why and stop trying to understand and just trust that God is in control. That I could accept what happens and live my life with joy. That I could release my fear. And here’s the thing: I’ve stopped asking why and trying to understand. I have accepted that I am not in control, and I am so happy and appreciative of what I have. I’m not afraid. And this is all so foreign to me.

I am honestly starting to worry about not worrying. Is this a sign of healthy healing and acceptance or am I suppressing all of my problems in an unhealthy way? I know lots of women in this community hit a point where they wonder if they even want children anymore, and I wouldn’t say that is where I am. I am just ok with the fact that I can’t have any right now–at least I am today. However, I feel a little like I am waiting for full blown panic. Maybe it isn’t coming and this is the new normal. That would be nice. Once I get used to it. I’m not really sure what to do with myself when I’m not worrying all the time. And I feel like I’m a bad IF/loss blogger if I’m not obsessing about TTC right now.

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6 responses to “Worrying about my lack of worry

  1. Why would you be a bad IF/loss blogger if you weren’t worrying about TTC? I think that sometimes we all get so worked up about TTC that we forget to live our lives. There are other parts of our lives that we need to nuture and focus on, even while TTC.

  2. Lya says:

    A lot of the times we just forget about our other live and I think it is HUGE to see what we actually do have.
    I also love visiting IF blogs where the author is content with his current life even (or especially?) when it does not include a baby at the moment. Thanks for the post – keep them coming!

  3. Theresa says:

    I think its great you have this sense of peace right now – we may all be infertility/loss bloggers, but our blogs are about our lives too. I’m looking forward to hearing what you will continue writing, and am really glad that you feel content right now. Hugs.

  4. Kristin says:

    I think you just deciphered the Rosetta Stone! I would give a lot to gain objectivity and loose some of the sadness and despair. Contentment? Sign me up! I’m glad you’ve found some peace in the eye of this storm.

  5. Arwen Rose says:

    Sounds very healthy to me  Try not to freak out about NOT worrying. You’re probably just so used to living in that constant state of survival almost that you find it hard to remember what it’s like to just live. I have been there, just constantly thinking and worrying and it’s exhausting! You are certainly not a bad IF blogger if you are not obsessing/feeling crappy. It is, as the other commenters say, all about our lives and yes trying to have/obtain a baby may be a major part of that but so are other things like our hubbys/partners and friends and families.

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