Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Validation

on September 17, 2012

Throughout our entire journey, I have felt little support from my mom. When we were having trouble TTC, she would always brush it off and even seemed annoyed at my concerns, and when I told her about my first miscarriage, she asked me if I really had a miscarriage or if my period just started. She basically refused to talk about it with me, and she never really acknowledged that I actually had a mc, acting like it didn’t count because it was so early. Whenever I let her know that I was upset, she would get defensive/angry and tell me that I had to stop obsessing about getting pregnant, that I’m only 24. I know that this was her coping mechanism because the subject is so painful, but it was extremely hard for me. I kept telling hubby that of all people, I should be able to talk to my mother about this, and it just strengthened my resolve to be more supportive of my children than my mother is of me. Don’t misunderstand me–I love my mom, but I was very hurt by the fact that she would not acknowledge my mc or the pain and fear that came with it. I was so hurt by her attitude that I didn’t even tell her about the second one after it happened. When I finally built up the courage to tell her about the third one (and the second one), I was expecting more of the same: treating me like I’m overreacting and need to just chill out and stop worrying and wait a few years before trying again. I must say that my mother surprised me. Our initial conversation was fairly uneventful, and while I was saddened by the fact that she didn’t have much to say, I was glad that she didn’t say anything negative. A few days later, however, she called me with stories of several women at her work who had multiple mc’s and now have children and a list of recommended doctors. She also told me that one of the women planted a tree for every baby she lost and that she thinks I should do that. The amount of validation I received from this phone call was staggering. I really needed my mom to support me in this, and she finally came through. I can’t put into words how important that was to me.

Is there an important person in your life who won’t acknowledge your struggle? Did you ever have a moment when you suddenly got the support you needed?

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9 responses to “Validation

  1. storkchaser says:

    Wow! That’s great! My mom has been the same way and I’m still waiting for some kind of show of support. But I’m not holding my breath. :-)

  2. If I ever have a miscarriage I would think that my mom would support me 100% because she had one before conceiving me.

    I’m glad that your mom has started to come around and support you. That’s really important- not just with miscarriages but with infertility in general.

    • Yeah, I think one thing that influences her attitude is the fact that my mom got pregnant the first month she tried with both me and my sister and she has never had a mc, so she really has no point of reference.

  3. Last year we found out that we were pregnant with our baby girl. Our situation wasn’t ideal. We weren’t married and had only known each other for 3 months before conceiving. My story isn’t exactly the same as yours but when I told my aunt (who is like my mother), she immediately suggested we go get an…..A word….I really don’t like to say it anymore. Even after I told her that I already loved this baby and wanted it etc…she kept pushing and pushing. It wore me down to a shell of my former self. I was so depressed that someone I loved was so focused on getting rid of something else I loved. She just kept saying that it wasn’t even a baby at that time- to me it was, it was MY baby. Eventually she came around once I started giving her ultrasound pictures and updates on how the baby was growing, but I’ll never forget the way she treated me about being pregnant. It’s absolutely heart breaking to lose the support of a loved one, or to feel like something VERY important to you is being ignored or to be called “not real”. I’m really sorry you had to go through these things feeling that way. I will keep you and your mother in my prayers, I hope she comes around full circle to be there for you and to be a rock for you.

    • That is just so hard, and I can’t imagine being in that situation. I’m glad your aunt came around, but you never forget the hurtful words that people say. People don’t seem to realize that you become a mother the moment that second line appears.
      I looked at your blog and your daughter is just precious.

  4. my mom’s advice to me when i told her we were still trying but weren’t pregnant and i was stressed about it was “you should try without trying”. ummm what? plato says “be kind for everyone is fighting a hard battle” so i try to let things she says go because i know that a child for me is a grandchild for her and she may be trying to be strong for me (at least that’s what i tell myself). <3 keep your chin up

    • You are right. I keep telling myself that my mom’s behavior is a coping mechanism because she is sad too. I love that quote, thanks for reminding me of it. Maybe I’ll do some cutesy creative thing and put that quote up on my wall.
      Also, try without trying? Seriously? People are crazy.

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