Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…


on September 10, 2012

I had two experiences this weekend that caught me completely off guard. There are situations that I expect to upset me. For example, when I found out I was pregnant the first time, hubby’s coworker’s wife found out she was also pregnant, and we were going to be due around the same time. So I expect to be upset whenever I see her because she is reaching all of these pregnancy milestones that I should be reaching too, but sometimes things just sneak up on me.

Saturday night, hubby and I went to dinner with one of his fire buddies. We went to a very popular and somewhat famous pizza place that I’ve only been to one other time. The one other time I’ve been was to celebrate BFF’s pregnancy. Apart from their families, we were the first people they told, and she was only five weeks when we went out to dinner (yes, they starting telling people and celebrating when she was only 4 or 5 weeks along). I don’t even know how to explain why it upset me to be back in this restaurant, and as I type this, I feel like it is stupid that this place somehow seemed to shove my fertility issues and losses in my face. It’s just that when we were there with BFF and her hubby, we were so happy and the mood was so light and everything was so damn easy for them! If we get pregnant again, there will be no celebratory dinner at 5weeks. There will be fear and anxiety and loads of appointments to make sure everything is ok and secrecy so that we don’t have to explain to people that we had yet another mc if something goes wrong. Who knew a restaurant could hold so much meaning and emotion? I didn’t. It’s a shame because they have really good pizza.

I should have expected the second one, but we’ve been so busy that I just didn’t think about it. Sunday afternoon, we went to a family reunion with hubby’s family. Every year they give out little awards to the oldest male, oldest female, family that traveled the furthest, and the youngest child. They also announce all of the deaths, weddings, and births from the last year. I remember sitting there last year thinking that maybe next year, they would be announcing the birth of our child, and maybe our baby would even win the little prize. I assumed that I’d at least be pregnant at the next reunion, but instead, this was just a reminder about how long we’ve been trying without any success.

The worst part of these two experiences? How do you explain to someone who doesn’t know about your TTC journey why you’ve suddenly become sad and withdrawn? No matter how hard I try to change it, I wear my feelings on my sleeves, and I just can’t hide it when I’m upset. I’m not a fan of being the seemingly moody wife who gets upset for no reason.

What infertility/loss reminders caught you off guard? How do you deal with it without seeming like a brooding nutcase?


3 responses to “Reminders

  1. Kelly says:

    Yesterday was my day to get upset. The first baby we lost was due today (9/10/12). I realized the date was coming, but didn’t know how it was going to impact me until yesterday. My husband told me his friend’s baby was born the night before. I said “great!”. But, as the day went on, I got more withdrawn and then finally just burst into tears. I wanted to be happy for them. But, I don’t have it in me. We were supposed to be having our baby this weekend, not them! He said he didn’t know if he should tell me or not, but had decided I’d be more upset if he didn’t. He was right & I will get over it. But, it made me feel like a bad person because I can’t muster feeling happy for them.

    • It doesn’t make you a bad person–that was a completely normal reaction and I’m positive I will react the same way when I hit my due dates. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this :o(

      • Kelly says:

        I’m sorry you are dealing with this, too. I have been finding some peace in your blog. It reminds me that I’m not alone. Sometimes the lonely feeling is the worst. Even though my hubby is there, it’s not the same as having had experienced things the way we do. Thanks for writing.

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