Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

What now?

on September 6, 2012

Hubby and I had a talk yesterday, and I told him that I needed to know how he felt about all of this. He said that he knows this journey has been very stressful and painful for me and that makes him want to stop TTC, but he still really wants a baby. So we are in the same place. We both really want a baby, but we can’t handle the stress and pain of TTC right now, and we are going to take some time off for awhile.

I’ve not really told you much about hubby. Hubby and I have been together for over seven years, and he is my very best friend. He is so kind and considerate, and he is the funniest person I know. Hubby grew up in a very close, loving family, and he has always wanted babies. Some of you may remember how I have written that having children was never my life’s dream and wanting to have a baby kind of hit me out of nowhere, but I feel like you should know that it has always been hubby’s dream. He wants this just as much, if not more, than I do.

Yesterday hubby said something that brought back the hope. He starts fire academy on Tuesday and will be done at the end of March. After he is done, he will be a state certified fire fighter, and he hopes to get a full time job with a fire department. This means he will be making more than we make combined right now and he will be working 24 hour shifts with a 48 hour break in between them. The original plan was that I would be able to quit my job and stay home after I had the baby, and he would be home enough that we could raise our baby together. But we no longer have that baby. Back to the hope: last night hubby said that if we don’t have a viable pregnancy before he starts a full time fire job, we can start the adoption process. We aren’t going to give up on having our own biological child, but we are going to start taking the steps needed have a baby–even if it isn’t genetically linked to us.

This might seem like a huge step that came out of nowhere, but I’ve actually said from the beginning of TTC that I like the idea of adoption, and even if we can have our own biological children, I would consider adoption. We are going for a mc follow-up appointment with my midwife this afternoon, and I have a sickening feeling that we are about to enter into a world of expensive tests and procedures that aren’t covered by insurance and won’t guarantee us a child. As much as I long to carry our child for nine months and give birth to a tiny human who is part hubby and part me, I would rather put all of that money towards saving a child’s life and know for certain that the time and emotional energy that I am investing will lead to me being a mother. We are considering international adoption which can take up to three years, so if this is the route we have to take, we want to start the process as soon as possible.

I know that adoption is a big deal. It is expensive and emotional and long and not an easy undertaking. We’ll cross that bridge when/if we get there. Nothing is set in stone right now, but I feel a lot better knowing that hubby and I are on the same page, and we have a plan. We will be parents. And if we get halfway through the adoption process and I actually get pregnant with a sticky baby? Then my heart might just explode because I will be so happy that we will get two children.

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3 responses to “What now?

  1. Having a plan is always a good thing and that’s great that you and your husband are on the same page!

  2. storkchaser says:

    Hey sweetie! You know, as painful and rough as this time is right now, I am so happy for you. What a blessing to have such a supportive husband, who also happens to be on the same page as you!!!! I don’t think anyone who stops TTC to go the adoption route ever completely gives up hope of conceiving their own child, but whatever happens, I know you two will be just fine and we will be here cheering you on and picking up the pieces. Hugs!!!

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