Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Three for Three

on September 5, 2012

It’s official.

Three pregnancies.

Three miscarriages.

The year mark of TTC has come and passed, and I am left sitting here with an empty womb.

Our first loss was horrible. We were so filled with innocent joy when I got that positive HPT. After all the trying and waiting, we were so sure that we were done struggling and we were finally going to get our baby. I didn’t know to protect my heart, and that loss took us by surprise–knocking the wind right out of us. I learned that life is so much more unfair than I ever imagined and that joy can be taken from you just as quickly as you received it. I was devastated and for days after that, I would just sit in the shower and cry until all of the hot water was gone. And yet, despite all of the pain and devastation, there was hope. I finally knew that I can get pregnant. I finally knew that I do actually ovulate and hubby’s swimmers are up for the challenge, and there was no obvious reason that our next pregnancy wouldn’t be a healthy one. So the first loss brought three things: devastation, pain, and hope.

That hope brought something else: impatience. Once I knew I could could pregnant, I was ready to do it again as soon as possible, and I did. I was pregnant again the very next cycle, but I was so cautious and guarded. I wasn’t going to open up my heart like the last time until I knew that the pregnancy was viable. I never got that reassurance. I was emotionally numb for the second loss. I had never let myself really get attached, so it didn’t feel real. I wasn’t surprised by this one–I expected it from the moment that second line appeared. Afterward, I went to see the midwife, and she ordered a bunch of blood tests (all of which turned out to be normal) and wrote me a prescription for progesterone. Once again, a glimmer of hope: progesterone. From the very beginning of our TTC journey, I thought that there was something wrong with my progesterone levels, and I just knew that our next pregnancy would be healthy because we had the magic supplement.

That brings us to this last loss. I stayed guarded, just like I did with the second one, until I got my first beta results. They were such good numbers! After I heard those numbers, I made a decision that I couldn’t spend my entire pregnancy in fear, and I decided to embrace the little life inside of me. I made it further than my other two pregnancies, and every day made me more confident that the progesterone was working and it was finally our turn. When I heard my second numbers…I didn’t know you could be in so much pain and yet be so numb at the same time. The supplements didn’t work–my progesterone numbers were great and I still had another miscarriage. Something died inside of me that day (besides my baby). I think that something was hope. Throughout this entire journey, I always knew down in my very core that we would have a baby. I don’t know that anymore. Thursday night I looked at hubby and told him that I can’t keep doing this. I can’t lose another child. I feel like the receptacle of death. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I grow babies?

I’m not sure where that leaves us.

I don’t know what the next step is.

What do you do when your hope dies?


4 responses to “Three for Three

  1. Rachel says:

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I just found out over the weekend that we would be losing our baby as well…this will be our 2nd loss in 4 months. I think for me, our hope has died as well. I told my husband in the hospital that I can’t keep going through this. It’s too painful. Fortunately we were blessed with a son four years after trying in 2010. I thought because we got pregnant finally and seemed to have a normal/healthy pregnancy that I should be able to do it again. SO far, I have not been able to do it. I will be thinking about you and your husband through this difficult time. Please know that many of us know what you are going through. I am so sorry for your losses… ((HUGS)) to you

  2. steph50 says:

    You wait for it to come back. And it does. I just wish I could reach through the screen and hug you…

  3. Hi there. This is a difficult entry to read, as I can only guess it was for you to write.

    It breaks my heart even more every time I read about anyone having to go through this horrible, horrible thing. I can’t even imagine going through it multiple times.
    I was so devastated
    by my first one that I’ve steadfastly avoided the possibility of getting pregnant again. And right now, the one year anniversary of my miscarriage is creeping up and it’s been especially really hard.

    I just wanted to offer support and warm thoughts. It seems so insubstantial, but there isn’t much else that can be said over the internet…

  4. storkchaser says:

    I couldn’t comment yesterday, but as soon as I read this in my email, my heart broke in a million pieces for you. I’m sorry.

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