Catching Our Rainbow

Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

Anger, Prayer, and a Rainbow

on August 31, 2012

My mind is in a million places right now. My second hCG was the exact same number as my first. It’s supposed to double. The midwife I spoke to sounded very concerned and she was very surprised when I told her that I haven’t had any spotting.  She did say that it’s still early and things could work out, but she sounded like she was really trying not to give me false hope. Her exact words were that my numbers are “not reassuring.” Of course they aren’t. I’m honestly not surprised. I’m upset, devastated, pissed off, heartbroken, bitter, and a million other things, but I’m not surprised.  I will be surprised if things work out and this is a healthy pregnancy. In fact, I’ll be floored. Hubby thinks that it was a lab mistake because the number is the same, but I don’t think it is. My progesterone did change–it got even better: 23, and if that number was the same too, I might think there was a mistake. But I can’t afford that kind of hope right now. I know better than to let myself have that kind of hope.

As I was driving to work today, it was a beautiful, clear day. The sky was the perfect shade of blue, which was the total opposite of the bleak grey and fog that was inside of me. I kept thinking about how God fits into all of this. I remember during my first pregnancy earnestly praying for the health of our baby. I miscarried the next day. The next time I got pregnant, I was honestly too afraid to pray about my pregnancy. This morning I was thinking about how I should pray about my numbers and my fears, but I was just so angry and bitter. I prayed out loud and told God that I know He can make this a healthy pregnancy and save my baby. I know He has the power to do that. But I also said that I believe that he won’t do that, and I don’t understand why. I don’t understand why he won’t save me from this heartache or why he won’t save my child from death. I know that’s not a typical prayer, but I try to be honest when I pray because He knows what I’m thinking anyway. After I said all of that, I turned a corner and saw a rainbow. It was just a small piece of a rainbow but it was bold and I could see every color in it. It was a beautiful morning without even a hint of rain so there should not have been a rainbow outside, and I honestly believe that was God’s answer to me, but I don’t know what it means. Maybe this pregnancy will be ok. Or maybe God will bless us with a child later in life and we need to be patient and wait. I don’t know.

Right now I’m just trying to hold myself together. We leave for the beach tomorrow morning, and we will be gone until Tuesday night. That’s just what I need. My first time at the beach in six years, and I’ll probably have an miscarriage which means I can’t wear tampons, which means I can’t wear a bathing suit. Perfect. I’m trying so hard to remember that I actually have a wonderful life with a husband I adore and a stable job and a nice house and two crazy furbabies, but I’m still falling into a place that is angry, hateful, and bitter.

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11 responses to “Anger, Prayer, and a Rainbow

  1. Kelly says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I just had my third miscarriage as well. My numbers did not rise and I lost our 3rd baby at 5 weeks. I wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I, too had the same thoughts… I keep wondering what I’ve done to be punished so harshly and the feeling of uselessness and insecurity was driving me into a dark place. I have been mad, angry and feeling so alone. My husband asked me to go to a therapist with him. He said he wanted us to communicate better so I went. When we got there, he broke down and said that he has felt terrible because I had asked how many times are we going to put ourselves through this? He has been lost not knowing how to comfort me and it was breaking his heart. All this time I thought he didn’t understand. He does. It’s just in a different way. I’ve been grieving for our babies and he’s been grieving for me. I realized that whichever way things turn out, I am the luckiest woman alive. I have a man who loves me more than anything. It sounds like you do, too. I think we will both get a baby some day when the time is right. When we do, we will have stronger relationships and we will be better parents for it. I’ll pray for you and your babies, past present and future.

  2. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I am hoping that your numbers double and that you finally do get your rainbow.

  3. storkchaser says:

    I’m so so sorry this pregnancy hasn’t been easy. I’m sorry that your numbers stayed the same. This really sucks and I really want this to be your rainbow. HUGS!

  4. […] please visit her blog and show your support. I recently asked her permission to share it with you all anyway since she […]

  5. Theresa says:

    This shit just isn’t fair. I am so sorry. (visiting from storks blog)

  6. veetamia says:

    I’m sorry for your loss. I read about your news from another blogger’s post, and wanted to stop by. I hope you enjoy, as best as you can, the days at the beach. Take care of yourself.

  7. I really hope everything works out ok for you. Please know we are thinking of you.

  8. Danielle, my heart just aches for you! I am sooo sad to read this. I am also here from stork’s blog and just heartbroken. I don’t understand why life has to be so unfair and have had many of the same questions for God. I love that he gave you a rainbow. Rainbows have been very symbolic in my journey through infertility as well. I find great comfort in the symbol of promise that they are, even when his sovereign purpose is so difficult to understand. Sending you huge hugs!

  9. Stopping in from Storks blog and just want to let you know your in my thoughts….

  10. I am so sorry. I have never been pg so I can’t imagine what it’s like to get the positive beta, watch and wait for it to rise and then see it stall. I can only imagine how heart broken you are and how confused you must feel about why this is happening.

    My heart goes out to you. I’ll keep checking back here.

  11. Thank you all for all of your support. Your kind words mean a lot to me–I’m thankful that I’m not doing this alone.

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